Baby Shmaybe...?

A Year and A Half

2011-07-14T10:39:00.001-07:00

Soooo...where the hell have I been, huh? I will tell you, promise. I sat down too many times to count in the past year and a half to write a goodbye post. I had nothing to say and too much to say all at once and I couldn't decide wich way to go with any of it. I was quitting this thing, this place and no one was going to stop me. However, like a Marlboro Light, it kept nagging at me to just take a hit. I would read a bit, catch up on everyone and before I knew it I was thinking about starting up again. I have since completely quit that destructive habit (equal parts apology and fuck you to Phillip Morris) but haven't been able to kick this one so here I am.

It all started the morning of my seventh wedding anniversary. I woke up and got dressed as usual but also peed on a stick because I was a few days late. Just before leaving for work I remembered that I hadn't thrown the peestick away. Knowing The D would be grossed out by something soaked in pee sitting on the sink, I went back to the bathroom, not really caring that I never looked at it. I scooped it up while checking my messages and saw something I hadn't seen in years. A second line. I walked into the bedroom in a stupor and told The D to wake up because there were two lines. He never even opened his eyes. He asked "On what kind of test?" Meaning pregnancy or OPK. I said the blue one. And again, without even opening his eyes, he said "Take another one." That's how jaded we are. I pee on a stick and forget to even look at it and he truly believes it must be a dud test.

It was at this point I started to panic. Not becaue I had been drinking my way through the holidays. Not because I had been taking in enough caffiene to keep Rip Van Winkle on his feet (to combat the morning after effect of the booze). I panicked because I was I was out of pee. I had to be sure, but my bladder was as dry as the Serengeti in July. So, completely unconcerned with the fact that I was now late for work, I drank water and OJ and paced while The D slept. When I announced a second set of double lines The D apprehensively made his way out of bed. He hugged me and asked how soon the doctor could confirm this. Beacause, hey "you bought them at the same time, right?" so they could both be duds. I called the doctor's office, went in for a blood draw and went to work. 36.5 weeks, preeclampsia (with an additional postpartum eclampsia hospital stay three days after we were discharged), and plenty of bed rest later, we have a son.

I am not sure why I felt so apprehensive about sharing the pregnancy here. Time, of course, was a factor as I continued to work full time and was exhausted when I got home. I am sure a chunk of it had to do with fearing the worst. I was also feeling protective of myself and my potential child. Even when he was born I refused to let anyone announce his birth or post photos on Facebook or other social networking sites. Whatever the reason, I do feel guilty for not sharing good news here. In this space where you all have given support through the worst I should have let you in on the best.

As our chill little man, who shall henceforth be referred to as JD, grows stronger,I feel a nagging urge to write down all the things I remember from our pregnancy and birth. The good, the bad, the gross and the beautiful. I am not sure if this is the space for it. If I decide to continue here I will post it in the LFCA and I will do the same if I start a new space.

I can't believe its been a year and a half since I posted. I am going to go now and catch up on all of you!

Here Today

2010-01-06T09:54:00.000-08:00

Ok, I think it goes without saying that I am a bad blogger. I blog for a few weeks or a month then take a few weeks or a month off. Whenever I get pressed for time its the first thing to go. I have fairly decent schedule for myself but again, if something is running over, its the first thing I can justify not doing. I thought about posting a few times in the last couple weeks when something hysterical would happen, but then I'd stop because I couldn't tell whatever story that was because I hadn't blogged about whatever preceded it and without context, well most things just aren't that funny. Anyway, for now, here I am.

My holidays were wonderful but I am certainly glad they only come once a year. I got two things to which I am a virgin. A food processor and sewing machine. The food processor I just never thought I needed. My knife skills are decent so food prep usually doesn't take me that long and whenever I needed to make pastes or pesto I would just use a motar and pestle. Those days are over my friends! Holy shit, why didn't someone convince me I needed one of these sooner? I am in love. And, do you know what love smells like? Fresh pesto.

The sewing maching is a bit of a different story. I did want one as I have a few projects envisioned but I had no idea how complicated they could be. It was from my mil and as she was telling me all the apparently wonderful things it did I had to stop her to say "I'm sorry I don't think I speak that language" As far as I knew, basting was what you did to a turkey. I am looking around for somewhere that has a beginner course in sewing, one that hopefully starts with how to thread the damn thing.

We stayed home on New Year's eve. Some friends and family came over and Rock Band and hilarity ensued. My cat, Little Miss, was laying on the belly of our 7 month pregnant cousin and the baby kept kicking her. Every time it did she growled and hissed at the belly. I know I am not doing it justice in the telling, but believe me, it was hilarious.

Now I must be off to read all of you. While I was away, I am very sad to admit that I didn't even stop in to read you guys. i may have taken bloggy breaks before, i never took reading breaks. I hope I find all of you well!

Tea and Tam.iflu, Metting Other Bloggers, and New Job

2009-11-22T13:12:00.000-08:00

Three posts for the price of one!

Tea and Tami.flu That is what I have been living on for the past week. H1N1 is a vile, nasty bug. I am feeling much better today. Tired, but better. Let me fill you in on my week.

Last Sunday I traveled up to Detroit to hear the Stirrup Queen, Melissa Ford present her book, Navigating The Land Of IF. She was more than kind and as sweet in person as she comes across in the blog. Afterward there was a signing and of course, pictures:

I was also able to meet Michelle of To Baby and Beyond, her sister, and Palemother. All very lovely ladies. It was a sincere pleasure. This was the first time I had met other bloggers and I wasn't sure how I would feel about it. As you know, I am anonymous to nearly all of my IRL friends and family. But this felt easy and natural. I left happy, stopped at Ikea on my way home, then got prepared for my first day.

I started my new job on Monday. My first day went well and I believe I made good first impressions all around. The people there are nice and very helpful. Tuesday I had a bit of a tickle in my throat and fell asleep at 7pm. Wednesday I had another good productive, educating day with just that little tickle in my throat. Until 12:00pm that is. At 12:00pm I was almost instantly sick. Chills, fever, blinding headaches, congestion, lethargy, aches. I have no idea how I put one foot in front of the other at that point. I called my doc, but he couldn't get me in until Thursday afternoon. Ugh. Of course, I continued to go to work. Because who calls off sick in their first week? But today I am feeling good and am actually pretty excited to get to work tomorrow. Did you hear that? Me, excited to get to work. I haven't felt that way in a long time.

Yuck.

2009-11-18T10:10:00.000-08:00

I am sick people. S.I.C.K. Of course, as just I started my new position on Monday, I can't stay home. I have a bunch to post about from the weekend, including meeting some wonderful bloggers, and about the start of my new job but it is all going to have to wait until I have the energy to do something other than fall onto the bed when I get home. Ugh, back to work.

I got it!

2009-11-12T06:51:00.000-08:00

I got the call yesterday afternoon and I start on Monday! Eek! Monday? I will be there in the mornings and my current office in the afternoons. I have so much to get done in preparation for only being here a half day that I really should make this a short post but that's not gonna happen.

I had just about given up on it. They were supposed to call last Wednesday. The job market here is the worst in the country. Anyone following what has been happening in Michigan and Ohio? I am just lucky enough to live on the border of those two tanking economies, right where all the suck meets. I know that the news claims that things are rebounding but we haven't felt any of that yet. So, the fact that I will now have not one but two steady forms of income, and that The D is also employed, makes us some seriously lucky bitches.

This new work situation comes amid all the Thanksgiving preparations that overtake my house every year. Menu planning, carpet and window cleaning, arranging the guest room, etc. Not a great time to happen but I am definitely not complaining. I could use a little help though. I would like some suggestions for easy but looklikeyouspentallmornignmakingthem appetizers. The person that usually brings the appetizers won't be with us this year so its all me. Any ideas?

Thank you all so much for your well wishes and encouragement while I waited this out. Your awesomeness cannot be measured.

No news is good news?

2009-11-05T06:05:00.000-08:00

This will be a quick post. I don't have news about my interview yet but I didn't want to leave you guys hanging. The interview was good and they were supposed to let me know one way or antoher yesterday but I haven't heard anything yet. I will let you know when I know. Thank you all so much for your encouraging words!

Interview...part 2?

2009-10-28T08:27:00.000-07:00

Just over a month ago (I think) I posted about the fact that I was job hunting and had landed an interview. Well, I was a jackass and didn't let you all know how it went. It did not go well and I was not offered the position. Actually, even if I had been offerend the position I would have turned it down. The interviewer is not someone I would have enjoyed working for at all.

I am still hunting and today I received a call to schedule an interview for a position that would be perfect. They want to share me with my current office. I am not job hunting because I don't like my current position, there just isn't enough business to justify keeping me full time. The markets here are so depressed. If another office wants to share me its a win-win-win. I make more money doing virtually the same job, my boss cuts office expenses, as does the other office in addition to getting an over-qualified person on their staff at a great rate.

The interview is Tuesday afternoon. Please send lots of luck!

What about your friends?

2009-10-26T08:06:00.000-07:00

As often as I am blown away by the insensitivity of others to our lack of children I am equally touched by the thoughtfulness of someone. Last week was filled with the flurry of solemn activity that death brings. A friend's mother lost a very long and bravely fought battle with cancer and then The D lost a great-aunt. The night before services for The D's great-aunt some close family members called and invited us over for dinner that evening. Very short notice yes, but hey, if it saves me a night of cooking and dishes you will get no complaint from me. These family members are also very good friends, are well aware of our TTC journey (and sometimes lack there of) and never shy away from days that may be of special meaning for us days when I am having a difficult time emotionally.

It is not unusual for one of us to call the other when we have made a big meal or to potluck our suppers together and hang out for the evening so I did not suspect anything out of the ordinary. When we got there the table was already set with one of my favorite's, pasta and red sauce. A few bites in they broke the news...yep pregnant. These two already have two children and were done building their family. They were actively using birth control. They were very worried that because we want a child and don't have one that we would be upset by the news that here they were with a family already and got one in spite of all their efforts to prevent it. They knew that his mother would definitely be telling relatives at the services (because, seriously, that woman can't keep a lid on a pot) and wanted to make sure I was told in a space where I was free to be emotional and had at least a day to process so when everyone was talking about it I would be a little ok. These people are every infertile's dream couple friends and I have nothing but big, puffy, pink hearts for them.

Surprisingly I was too shocked by the announcement to be upset. I felt for them. This was not in their life plan. Now that the shock of this unexpected pregnancy has worn off for them and as they begin to get excited, so do I find myself. I have not felt jealousy or hurt or injustice on the part of a higher power. Hell, I am even hosting, yes you read that right hosting, a baby shower for them. Did I mention that the two children she has are already halfway to eighteen and she had gotten rid of all her baby things and maternity clothes? So, yeah, I am hosting a shower.

How about the rest of you. We talk alot about the ways people are inconsiderate, but what about the people who are there for us. I would love to hear about what some one close to you did that made your infertility journey easier, even if only for a moment?

Come Together

2009-10-21T09:00:00.000-07:00

Alright, show of hands, how many of you faithfully read Stirrup Queens? Or at least faithfully read during the month of July? One , two, seven...Ok, everyone. Well then, maybe you remember that the day after Blogher '10 that the ALI bloggers attending the conference and those in the general area will be having a gathering in New York (you can read more about it here). Sadly, I will not be one of them. I noticed from the comments to that post that a lot of you will not either and wish that you could. I think we have an opportunity to make lemonade here ladies (or some Grandma's Lemonade if life has provided any of you vodka with your lemons).

There is no reason for us to feel left out. I propose that on the same day each of us with enough bloggers in our general area host similiar gatherings. Nothing fancy. A picnic in a park or community center. For those of you with only one or two others in your area maybe a coffee date. The point is just to gather and share knowledge and support.

I know that many bloggers, like my mostly anonomous, mid-west, privacy-guarding self, may be leery of meeting IRL. Meeting with others would not require you to reveal any more than you are comfortable with, including additional contact information. However, I do hope that one outcome of all of this would be forming additional supports. This online world is fantastic for information but sometimes we could use something a little more personal and there are those in our section of the blogosphere who unfortunately don't have that right now. I am getting WAY ahead of myself here.

I know that this may be difficult to organize and I also realize that there are probably several areas without more than one ALI blogger and so this idea could be tweaked to include online meetings and chats in the forums that day, or video chats to include outlying bloggers in the gatherings.

Right now this is just an idea and I would love your thoughts on it. Do you think its too big? Too small? Unrealistic? Long overdue? Please leave a comment or email me (kpick3@aol.com) with your thoughts.

I missed this.

2009-10-20T07:21:00.000-07:00

Hi all. First off, apologies. I had to take a little bloggy break. Things piled up and something had to give. Well that's part of it anyway, but I'll get to that in a bit. Between work, volunteer, home, and family responsibilities I was stretched entirely too thin. Hell, look at the way I typed that sentence; the way I prioritized it, even now. That is part of my problem so let me take a mulligan on that: family, home, work and volunteer. I am working on changing the way I prioritize my responsibilities and time. I have completed a schedule for myself (and even included time to be with my computer and blogs each day...oh and sleep! Seven hours a night if I can discipline myself.) However, I am not setting myself up for failure and will not permit myself to allow sticking to the schedule to become one more thing that stresses me out. It is just something I am going to refer to for awhile to help me into better time management habits and to help me recognize where my time needs to be budgeted.

The second part of my bloggy break was that I needed to step away from fertility issues for awhile. I still read all of you. I checked in about once a week and passed things over to Lost and Found. I commented very little. I am not sure if this happens to any of you but what I sometimes experience when reading others is a blur of the things I want for myself or unrealistic thoughts about what is possible or good for US. Everyone is different and I would never question the decisions or processes that others choose in their efforts to build their family. Nor would I judge the depth or length of someones grief or emotion. However, over the last month I have really been thinking about exactly how aggressively I want to peruse having a pregnancy and I really didn't want other's experiences to influence my feelings. I have said before that I love our current approach to becoming pregnant and I still do. We do what we do and if it happens, it happens. But the fact is that I am over thirty (Oh fuck, it pained me to type that. Really, it produced a distinct pang in my chest.) and if we want a biological child it is time to start being a little more serious. After the first of the year looks like a good time to start being more serious. I am sure that I will just end up cursing that old New Year's hope but I am going to hope anyway. Auld Lang Syne, OPKs and peesticks...Bring it!

Hence, the new approach to re-prioritizing and de-stressing my life. I figure if I start now I should be at least halfway to where I want to be in making the schedule a habit by the first of the year. I need time to sleep, I need time to not just do my job but do it well, I need to lose weight and have time to exercise, and I need time to spend uninterrupted with my husband, family and friends. Definitely friends, because unless idle chit chat with the grocery check out girl or texting your best friend a happy belated birthday counts as a social life, I no longer have one. And, I need time post and check in with you guys. I feel better when I do that. Being a small part of this community has been so helpful, even outside of fertility issues. So, I'm back. Back with regular posts and comments. I even have ICLW noted on my calendar and have my first ICLW post written and scheduled.

I know its been awhile but some of you may remember that I promised to post an idea I had for all of us. It will post tomorrow at 9:00am. Did I mention that consistent follow through is also on my list? Wish me luck!

Busy Busy

2009-09-08T08:03:00.000-07:00

What a weekend! Friday afterwork it was drinks with the girls. Saturday was a pig roast and bonfire that went well into the wee hourse of Sunday morning. Sunday evening was our fantasy football draft. Monday was an all day cookout with family. I am still full and hoping for a good night of sleep tonight to catch up.

I finally got an email for an interview this morning! It is for tomorrow afternoon. I have no idea how many resumes I have out at this point, this is my first interview. A new facility opened in our area and posted 150 jobs. You had to apply and interview in person. Over 2000 people showed up on the first day. These jobs were not in my field and I did not apply, I am just using it as an example of what the job market in our area is like. Please keep your fingers crossed!

That post I alluded to in my last post with an idea is coming tomorrow afternoon!

Hello Again

2009-08-31T11:47:00.000-07:00

Have I really not posted in a month?! I am utterly neglectful of this space. I haven't even read anyone else in at least a week. For having been gone so long, I have little to report. I have been spending any free time I find myself with job hunting. Not to worry, I still have my current position, but it has become very apparent that I need to secure something else ASAP. The job market in my area is severely depressed (by "my area" I apparently mean the Unites States of America).

I have no infertility related updates. I chickened out on my u/s to monitor Hydie earlier this month. Well, not so much chickened out as I hade NO time to begin with and didn't feel like making it a priority. I can always go this month, or next, or in December with my yearly, whenever. Perhaps there is an update afterall...it appears I am developing (or completely have developed) an ambivilence towards becoming fertile. I am thinking it is because I am so absorbed with the work wituation and the uncertainty of it all. I am sure once that becomes resolved I will let reproductive concerns creep back to the forefont of my mind.

I have an idea to pose to our corner of the blogosphere and will have a post up about it later this week. I am a little excited about it an hope the rest of you will be too.

Now I'm off to catch up on all of you!

A post just to post.

2009-08-04T07:49:00.000-07:00

I simply have no content for a blog. There is little interesting going on at the moment. I take that back. There is alot going on but no time to post. My cousin is getting married this weekend so I have a lot of family in town which is keeping me busy. Work is keeping me busy. My CASA kids are keeping me more than busy. Summer get togethers are keeping me busy. My middle brother is in basic training and writing him many, many letters is keeping me busy. When I am busy I feel great. I am in a good place. I hate to say it but when I feel great I blog less. Which is not fair to readers and total bullshit on my part, I know. I do try to keep my comments up and this month I will attemp ICLW once again.

So here is a post simply to let you know I am still here and that I am doing well.

The D or Big Uncle D...

2009-07-06T06:53:00.000-07:00

as he is known to all those under four feet tall. By all manner of logical reasoning, children should be intimidated by or apprehensive about The D. He is over six feet tall, large framed and muscular. My father introduces him in this way: "This is my son-in-law, the house". He possesses a deep voice that booms when he laughs. He has dark, red hair and freckles (lots and lots of them). Throughout the winter he wears a full beard and in the summer, a shaggy goat tee. He works hard, plays golf, loves football and beer in brown bottles. He's a man's man.

So, perhaps he has an aura that only children can sense. Perhaps its his warm eyes. We don't know. We just know that children love him. They gravitate to him. Walking through the park or mall children smile at him or ask him to throw a ball. Children within our families love nothing more that to play video games or snuggle up to him through a movie. My own niece screamed anytime I, or anyone other than grandma or her parents, held her for her first 18 months of life. Except, of course, for The D. During those 18 months I babysat a lot because my brother was working and my sister-in-law was in school. The D had to learn to feed and change her because she would cry to the point of spitting up if I did it. Put her on The D's chest and right to sleep she would go. I have a four year old cousin who just named her new pet fish after him. She lives 400 miles away for fuck's sake! She sees him once, sometimes twice a year.

I don't do it often, but when I do ponder the why of our situation to the Universe, I think of him first. So many men are not interested in children or good with them until their own child comes into the world. So many men leave their children or fail to parent them from the start. . Yet, here sits a man who seems to have been created to interact with children and our house is empty. Why? I can accept that everything happens for a reason; that there is a plan for us. I accept that and look forward to seeing how it unfolds. But, maybe, please Universe, just this once, may I have a hint as to why?

Is it at all apparent that we spent the entire, long.holiday.weekend. with family?

Barren Bitches Book Brigade, Tour 19

2009-06-28T17:40:00.000-07:00

For this tour we read Navigating The Land Of IF. If you look to your right you will see a lovely icon and links to where you can get more information about the book and its author, Melissa Ford, pick up your own copy and maybe pick up one for that person in your life who no matter how hard you try to explain what you are going through, fails to understand. It is an excellent source of information and comfort. The information is presented in a way that enables it to connect with people who have been trying for several months with no results or those who have just experienced their first miscarriage to those who have been through several miscarriages or months of treatments or are experiencing secondary infertility.

Question: What part of the Land of IF are you currently residing in and do you think Melissa paints an accurate picture of the situation there?

I have had one early miscarriage and one ectopic pregnancy. The D and I tried for 1 year after the ectopic to conceive again. We are currently on a pseudo break. Meaning we are not trying, but we are not preventing. I know at my next appointment my doc will ask me about how I want to move forward with regard to testing and treatment but after months of thought and discussion with The D we are still unsure. I like where we are now, just sort of leaving it to fate, but sometimes I don't know if I only feel that way because I am scared to move forward.

I think the book did a wonderful job of addressing this throughout. In everyplace possible or relative Melissa said that every person and situation are different and wherever you are emotionally is OK. I was in a place where I really needed that affirmation. I know that I will be ready to forge ahead at some point, but knowing it is OK to linger here for awhile and that it is perfectly normal, was very helpful.

Question: The "from Me to You" section - how did that touch you? Have you ever wished you had a best friend in you pocket to get you through the day? What would you say to your best friend in a note if you thought she was going through the same thing?

To me, having this note is from a friend is representative of the larger roll an understanding friend plays in getting you through infertility. I terminated my ectopic pregnancy with methotrexate the day before Thanksgiving. That holiday season was officially the worst I have ever experienced. I won't get into specifics because this post would hit record length and I know that you all have been there so you know exactly what I am talking about. At the time there was no one else (that I was aware of) in my family or circle of friends who had experienced a loss like that or infertility. I would have given anything to have someone understand or bail me out of party. Trying to remain normal and unemotional sent me into a spiral I wasn't sure I was going to get out of. Having that note, the connection it represents, even with a person unknown to me personally, would have helped tremendously. Having the knowledge that someone had been there, made it out and was willing to walk me through it may have been all I needed. Because, sometimes it really does feel like that night will last forever or that one more well meaning yet astonishingly ignorant person will be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

I don't think I could craft a note that says it better than Melissa. Because really, if you get from one end of the event to the other in one piece it truly was a success and you should definitely pat yourself on the back or treat yourself to some Godiva Extra Dark Chocolate. I would add to the note that I was only a phone call away for any reason at all. Whether that be for some encouraging words, to phone in an excuse for them to leave or even an excuse to join them.

Question: did you read the book front to back or did you turn immediately to a certain chapter? If so, which one? Are there any chapters you purposely avoided?

I would love to say that I sat down and read the information front to back just as it was presented but I have to admit I skipped straight to The Road to hell is Paved with "Just Relax".
I have been inundated with assvice and announcements lately and I was seriously running out of things to say.*

I avoided the testing and treatment section for a couple weeks (see first answer). When I finally put on my big girl underpants and forced myself to read them I was glad I did. What we imagine is usually worse than reality. For me this was no exception. With my next appointment looming it really gave me a lot of food for thought and questions I need to ask my doctor before moving forward.

*Please thank Josh and let him know that "I got ninety-nine problems and your kid ain't one" proved to be very handy and stopped a bragging, effortlessly breeding, cousin from speaking further and sent rum and coke into The D's nose.

Emotional Hijacking

2009-06-22T07:49:00.000-07:00

One of my very best friends called me this morning to complain about the planning of her son's first birthday party. She wants to do it up big as she was never in the financial position to throw a big first birthday for her other two kids firsts and she wants the experience. Both sides of the family are complaining about the date and many are trying to talk her out of having the party at all, saying that he will never remember it anyway. Long story short, she says to me "You should thank God you don't have to deal with this bullshit" Now, she was not really talking about the problems of raising children so much as the problems of extended family but the two were linked here. And, she soon as she realized it came out of her mouth she apologized...and apologized...and apologized. Of course I forgave her immediately and I meant it.

Right now I am not so much feeling the urgency I did a year ago to have a baby. I am sure that it will return. It tends to be cyclical with me. Our first miscarriage was early and the pregnancy was unexpected. We tried...we got pregnant...it was ectopic...we waited the thee months...we tried for another year...we NEED this pseudo break. We are not actively trying but we are not preventing. I have moved on from my losses (I know "moved on" not quite the right words but what are?). I don't think about them everyday like I used to and very rarely do I show outward emotion when I do think about them. I can happily be around babies and children. Although the sight of a pregnant couple usually makes me twinge a little. Not a happy pregnant woman by herself. For some reason that doesn't bother me, but a happy pregnant couple gets me every time. It only last a few minutes, but its there. I don't understand it but oh well. Shit, I have seriously digressed.

The point of all that was that I am currently in as good a place as I can be for not yet having my own child. Or rather, I was. About one half hour after we had that conversation it sank in that I should be planning my own child's first birthday party this summer, somewhere around July 17, and I have been miserable since (granted, its only 10:00am). I even had to go in to the bathroom for a cry. What the hell? I am not generally a crier. In ten years that is only the second time I have cried in this building. The first one was when someone had died. It was a stupid comment, one she didn't mean and I didn't particularly care that she said at the time...so what the hell? I know its early on in this particular funk but its one of those that you can just feel is going to last for a bit. Mother.Fuck.

UPDATE: It is Monday. I wrote this post on Friday and didn't publish because I had a few more thoughts but I never got around to adding them. This weekend was too busy to sit down and write. Father's day was difficult. The funk was still hanging around. With my brother's recent move to a land far, far away my uncle felt the need to point out that my parents needed some replacement grandchildren and that the D and I should get on that asap. Now on a normal day I would have been quick with a humorous little comeback but not yesterday. It was a "we'll see" and another bathroom rendezvous with Mr. Kleenex.

Today I am feeling much better and almost back to normal. I really wish I could schedule these emotional hijackings. They would be so much easier to handle if I could just see them coming. I am having drinks with an awesome friend tonight and I know she will have me completely back to normal by the end of the night. She is good, good medicine. Here's to tomorrow.

Honest Scrap

2009-06-16T07:35:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago (very sorry) I was given the honest to Scrap award by the lovely Astrid over at Babymaking 101. The rules are you have to list ten honest things about your self and pass the award on to seven people. I don't so much do tagging but I will say that I always enjoy when people share these things about themselves so please feel free if you are so inclined to share to consider yourself tagged. Without further ado:

1. I love roller coasters. I am lucky to live near Cedar Point and will ride whatever is available (provided its not a spinner, which is different from a looper, I will definitely ride loopers.).

2. I am generally not concernd with whether people like me or not. Let's face it, no one is loved by everyone. But, I constantly worry about offending someone. I absolutely hate hurting someone's feelings and when I do it haunts me.

3. I volunteer with CASA. I have posted a few times about this. CASA = Court Appointed Special Advocate for children who have come into the system due to abuse or neglect. If you have a CASA program in your area and an hour or two a week to spare I urge you to check it out. It is one of the most rewarding things I have ever done.

4. I am learning to crochet. I have dishcloths down. I have a scarf project I would like to start and have finished by fall but I think this yarn would look much better knit and so now the plan is to learn to knit. If anyone has any suggestions on how to get started with teaching yourself to knit please lay them on me.

5. I try to be as eco friendly as possible. I reduce, reuse and recycle at every opportunity. I shop at my local farmer's market religiously from organic growers. I have been using tote bags instead of plastic for years. I save the water from the tap while I am letting it run to get hot and put it in the fridge to be drunk when cold. The D and I shower together whenever possible, well, I guess this one's not really for the environment, but that's a nice bonus. Here's the honest to scrap admit: I am an SUV driving, non-carpooling, planet fucker-upper. I LOVE my Je.ep and even with all the new incentives to buy a new vehicle (and the guilt I feel) I can't bring myself to do it.

6. I bought peesticks. I know that I resolved not to; that I said I was adopting a que sera sera attitude towards babymakin for now. But, my pms symptoms have been really quirky the past two months and we are not preventing anything from happening on its own and this month I was four days late and so...peesticks...20 of them...from Ama.zon.

7. Yesterday I stole a package of noodles from the grocery store. I didn't mean too. I didn't realize it until I got home. Somehow they got in my bag of corn on the cob. I self check-out and didn't notice them. This isn't really anything to admit as I will remedy it next time I go to the store but I am running out of things to say.

8. I need to lose weight. I have been thinking of using my blog and you all as a system of accountability. I have lost 3 pounds in two weeks. We cancelled our gym memberships because we now have a treadmill and free weights at home. We have been using the equipment so much more now that its at home that I am pretty pissed we spent money on gym memberships instead for so long.

9. I am a concert junkie. I will see whoever whenever. It's my one vice. I am lucky to live in an area with access to a lot of cheap venues or else I would be broke. The list of people I am embarrassed say I have seen is as long as the list of those I will never forget experiencing. My idea of the perfect date: The D, a cold beer and live music.

10. My eyes are blue. Not interesting, I know, but they are my favorite feature. They are blue and dancing like deep, Caribbean water. I got them from my dad who go them from his dad. There is no mistaking where I came from if we are in the same room. Actually there is no mistaking who I cam from period with him. Has anyone seen the Friends episode where Rachel is teaching Joey to sail and she begins barking orders in the same fashion her father did to her. She sits down in shock and says: "I've become my father! I was trying so hard not to turn into my mother that I never saw this coming!" Let's just say I can relate.

There it is...10 things about me. Some not so interesting but there are ten of them.

Anyone in the Detroit/Toledo area reading this?

2009-06-11T08:44:00.000-07:00

I have contacted the JCC in Detroit, Michigan about having Mel (I am pretty sure everyone know's who I'm talking about but, if you don't, stop reading right now and get your ass over to stirrup-queens.blogspot.com for just about all the infertility/loss information you ever need) appear at their fall book fair with Navigating the Land of IF. She is in the Jewish Book Network. The woman I spoke to did sound as though they were interested but was a little unsure if there was enough interest. If you are in the Detroit/Toledo area and would like to have Melissa Ford in the area for a signing you can contact the JCC of Metropolitan Detroit at 248-661-1000, ask to speak with Ms. Keen, the literary events planner, and voice your interest.

P.S. If you are in the Toledo area and are wondering why I did not suggest you contact the JCC in Toledo the answer is that I was informed that they would not be considering this book for their fair this year. BOO.

Happy Birthday to Me!

2009-06-03T06:55:00.000-07:00

Today I am 31 years old. Ack!!!!! 31, how did this happen? I have been freaked out by this for awhile. I was OK with 30. But, 31...that means you are officially IN your thirties. I don't know why I don't consider 30 to qualify as being in your thirties. I guess I just feel like it is the icing in the layer cake of your life separating the layer between the twenties and thirties. Make sense? No? Either way, I am in my thirties. Exhale.

The blurb at the end of my last post was all I had intended to mention about my birthday. It was my intention, here and IRL, to let it just slip by slightly under the radar. But, this morning I woke up and chose to let the anxiety of aging go. I have it good. I have a wonderful, loving, true partner in The D; a great family; a job I love doing; adoring furbabies; my own house; and the list goes on. Right now the good definately outweighs the bad by tons. That is a life that I spent my 20's building. And I am going to spend my thirties enjoying it.

Holy Babymakin Batman!

2009-06-01T08:32:00.001-07:00

**updated at bottom**

Just a quickie. This morning I reviewed some the Catholic church's views and "policies" on ART. IVF is strictly for bode as it creates an embryo outside of the female. IUI is only OK if the sample is obtained through an act involving sexual intercourse between husband and wife using a perforated condom. A hand job from the wifey just won't fly...you have to give God every opportunity to use sex for "natural" procreation, if he/she is so inclined. Good luck finding a doc who will accept a sample obtained through intercourse (if I am wrong here please feel free to correct me).

Now, here's where I get a bit confused. Isn't this a fairly strict and hypocritical policy from a religion who's own savior was conceived through what what technically may have been the first act of ART?? 'Cause it certainly wasn't "natural".

P.S. Wednesday is Happy Birthday to me day!

**I know that this is sacrilegious and completely irreverent.. Please know that it comes from a cafeteria Catholic on the fence. I apologize in advance for any offense.

I am still here.

2009-05-29T06:42:00.000-07:00

I have been so ridiculously busy. I have been spending every weekend with my sil (they are about 1.5 hours away) helping with the kids and packing. Most weeks I have to make a one or two midweek trips there as well. I haven't been taking any time off work to do this as I am saving all my vacation for a nice long trip to Portland(or two) at the end of this year.

I have been reading and keeping up with everyone but there is just no time to post. My house is as neglected as my blog. This morning I couldn't find a single pair of clean pants or underwear to wear to work. I am currently wearing a dress that for the life of me I can't figure out why I bought. It is slightly hideous and may as well have "Laundry Day" embroidered on the back. But, its clean and it fits. As for the undies, I am currently rocking a pair of froggy pj shorts under this train wreck of a dress. Oy, if Stacey and Clinton saw me now.....

They leave in two weeks so I will be back to regular posting then. Babymaking101 gave me the Honest Scrap award so I will have that post and as promised I will get pictures up of the manimals.

I hope everyone is enjoying the summer weather and has a great weekend!

We Rocked!

2009-05-12T11:32:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone had as much fun with OMG! You Rock Day! as I did. My secret buddy was Momma Z. She sent me the most delicious Black & Green Tea, White Tea Body Lotion and a few pairs of what will hopefully turn out to be very lucky socks.* Now, I don't have to be in the stirrups in the near future for anything other than u/s's to moniter Hydie but I will admit to keeping them on during some lovey time with The D. I know, I know, that's not exactly how the lucky socks are supposed to work but I figured it was worth a shot ;) And, well, she included a cute note with orders to go get a certain something and I after such generosity on her part I felt it would have been rude to ignore her advice. **

Fun stuff aside, taking part in this event was really helpful. I did much better with Mother's Day this year in comparrison to last year, but there were a few moments that were tough. Whenever I hit a rough patch in the day I just read the new posts in the discussion thread and my smile came right back.

Thank you to Liv, Momma Z, and everyone else who took part in OMG! You Rock Day!

*I have finally fixed my pictures and should have some of my gifts uploaded tonight.
**I always feel a little embarrassed when I talk about sex here and I can't quite figure out why. I mean, seriously, in a place where you can talk freely about cm and sperm counts I don't know why in the world I would get embarrased admitting to having sex.
***Fixing my pictures also means I can post about my manimals and probably change my design!

I did good.

2009-05-07T07:30:00.000-07:00

I got an award. A real award where they write up a nice bio and narrative of accomplishments. It was for my CASA work. They did not warn me before hand so I was very surprised and a little embarrassed as it was in front of a large crowd (and our Magistrates and Judges) at our annual dinner. This is not the kind of work you generally receive thanks for: the parents hate you, DFS generally wishes you weren't involved so that they could do as they please, relatives of the children dislike you because they think you work for DFS (no matter how hard you try, you absolutely can't convince them otherwise) and sometimes, even the kids you are helping really dislike you. Because of all that, it was nice to receive this kind of thank you.

There are days when I find it very had to continue with CASA. In fact, I had been thinking a lot lately about taking a break from it. It is sometimes very difficult for me to keep my emotions controlled when witnessing one child after another be born to parents who have no want for them or no intention of properly caring for them when there are so many who desperately want children. People whohave the knowledge and means to care for them. There are the days when I meet a child who has been abused by an adult and I think "Universe, go fuck your mother. This is bullshit. Why wasn't this little one given to me, my dear friend, or (insert infertile blogger's name of your choice here)instead?".

Something always happens to keep me from taking the break. This time it was an award telling me that my work was relevant and really making a difference for my kids. I don't anticipate this happening again. What usually happens (50%of the time anyway), and I hope will happen more and more, is that after the case progresses the children are placed in a permanent home with a relative, adoptive parents, etc. Many of the placements are people who always wanted children or additional children and couldn't have them. Recently I met a family who lost their child to cancer and by the time they were emotionally ready to try for another, it was too late for the mother. They became foster parents and adopted two very young siblings. They were a perfect fit.

It is at this point when I start to wonder if the Universe really does know what it's doing and may have a plan for all of us. That maybe we are going through all of this for a reason. I really hope this is true. It is also at this point that I make apologies to the Universe for telling it to go fuck its mother. You know, just in case.

Same old.

2009-04-30T11:39:00.000-07:00

My brother left for Portland last weekend and has arrived safely. My sil and their girls are still here and will go out after the school year is out. For the next six weeks or she has to be both mom and dad, work full time and train two replacements for her, pack up their house, finish painting and minor repairs, and keep up the house spotless because the realtor could call to schedule a showing at any time.
Of course, what happens? She ends up in the ER with some sort of weird sprain in her foot. They told her she was lucky she didn't break it, gave her one of those insanely large, ridiculous looking plastic boots and told her stay off it. And so, it's off to their house for the weekend. The D and I had a date planned but I'll take hanging out with adorable nieces over dinner and Wolverine anytime. I am really going to miss them.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho!

2009-04-21T00:00:00.000-07:00

The D went back to work yesterday!!!! Had I known any sooner that he was going back I would have told you all. But, I did not find out until Sunday night on our drive home from my brother's house when I asked what he had planned for the week. The following is the rest of our conversation:

The D: You never listen to me.
Me: I listen to you. What the hell are you talking about?
The D: Exactly, you don't know what I'm talking about because you don't listen.
Me: Fine, I don't listen. Please tell me what I missed when I wasn't listening to you so that we can end this.
The D: I go back to work this week.
Me: Fuck you I never listen...You have been home for three months. If you had said that there is no way I could have missed it. You never told me.
The D: God dammit, I did.
Me: When?
The D: Last week, right after I found out. We were on the phone and you told me that (his cousin) invited us to dinner.
Me: I don't know anything about being invited to dinner, so there is no way we had this conversation.
The D: Oh yeah, that was Mom on the phone. So, do you want to go to the dinner?

Fuck me! Do any of you live with one of these? Oh, but I love him and as much as he irked me sometimes I am going to miss the extra time I have been able to spend with him lately. We really found a good Stay at Home Husband balance that made us both fairly happy. Even so, I know that he will be infinitely happier being back at work. Also, with an hour or so to my self every day I will probably fantasize less about causing him physical pain when he accuses me of doing things like not listening.

It's ok, we're taking it back.

2009-04-17T05:53:00.000-07:00

Hopefully you have all read about this in the LFCA and are as excited about it as I am. If not look over to the right and check out the new icon (you may also feel free to take a moment to be amazed that I finally took down February's ICLW icon). The very first OMG! YOU ROCK DAY will be held Sunday May 10. What's that you say? That day is already taken by some other day, a holiday of sorts? Well, yes that's right, it is. This year Liv has come up with a way for us all to take a short break from what can be a difficult and sometimes akward day for many of us and celebrate the awesomeness of us. Here's how it will work:

1. You get send Liv an email with your name, address, email and blog (if applicable)

2. You then get emailed the info of another super-sweet chickadie who also signed up.

3. You get that person a card/gift and mail it so it gets there before May 10. The gift can be as simple as a cd that you made or a letter written on many post-its. This is not about getting expensive presents.

4. We all meet in the Ballroom and open them at the same time on Mo, er OMG! YOU ROCK DAY, talk about what we got, and escape for a short while.

You really should check out Liv's post. She describes it much better than I do. It was her fabulous idea, after all. In any event, I am looking forward to spending some time with people who understand on what can be a very difficult day.

Breakfast of Champions

2009-04-15T06:01:00.000-07:00

I have eaten Easter candy for breakfast three days in a row now, even though I know that by 9:00am I will feel terrible. It just always seems like such a good idea at the time and walking away from a Robin's Egg is just not something I have the power to do. Ugh.

Even when its easy its hard.

2009-04-14T07:51:00.000-07:00

I have been pretty blocked lately. I have been spending alot of time with my family and nothing really blog worthy has come out of the time. Work is status quo. Between getting my brother's family ready for their move, helping friends of ours ready their first house, and keeping up with my assigned kids I have no time for anything other than a bit of sleep and keeping up the most basic personal hygiene routine (I am rockin' a serious case of Wookie leg). My house is a mess and if I don't spend time some quality time with my manimals soon I am sure there will be a coup d'etat. But, I was commenting on someone else's post and realized that there were was something I had to get out of my head.

Warning: The following is babble typical to IFers and you have probably heard it all before. This is just where I am at the moment. Someone may or may not have irked me this weekend.

After enduring 17 months of BFNs since the ectopic, and six months of BFNs before that, The D and I have decided to take a relaxed attitude towards TTC for the foreseeable future, as some of you already know. We are not preventing anything but we have rid ourselves of OPKs and peesticks. We bump uglies just not on a schedule (way more often than was even happening on the schedules, yay, it's fun again). However, I am still charting and working with my doc to insure that The D and I are in working order. I am ovulating. My left tube is clear. The D will be going in for a semen analysis. Because of the ectopic and 2 MC's we want to make sure there is nothing medically wrong and that we are healthy. But, we have decided that we do not want to pursue any fertility treatments right now. We may change our minds at some point, of course, this is just what we feel is right for us at present.

This decision was not easy and was not made lightly but we are confident in it. However...I am still sometimes sad. I am sad because we can't just have what comes so easily to others. I am sad because I realize that by waiting to pursue having a biological child we could be risking never having one. I am sad that even if we decide to pursue treatment, we could still end up childless. I am sad that there is a chance I will never make our parents grandparents, that we may never have that kind of bond with them, that understanding. I am sad that we may never be grandparents. I am sad that we may never be connected to the Universe in the way that one becomes when they bring a child into this world. I am sad that we may never experience being able to give a true unconditional love. And, I am mad as hell that even though there are plenty of chances left in our lives to try to have a biological child that I still have to consider these things and guard myself against them.

I have been noticing that if people have not been through it they can't really differentiate between a MC and IF. I think that's why most people don't understand why a MC does so much damage to us emotionally or that if we we still seem to be upset about it a year later that we may actually be upset about something entirely different. MC's are unfortunate, unfair happenings that pepper our lives. You take some time to mourn the plethora of possibilities hope dangled in front of you with that fickle second line and move past it (while always reserving a special place of your heart for it). We may have found a way to move past the MC but we are still upset about IF and the things it threatens to never allow us to have. IF is constant and we deal with it daily. If a child is your ultimate dream, you have to meet IF face to face daily, sometimes hourly, for years at a time, and fight tirelessly to move past the seemingly never-ending challenges and heartbreaks it presents. This is not something that is as hard for me as it is for a dear friend who has faced treatment after treatment and an adoption heartbreak. She's my hero. When you are a person for whom children come easily all of this can be very hard to grasp.

As I said before, I am confident we are making the right choice for us right now. However, it can still be hard so if sometimes I get a little teary eyed while holding a friend's baby or wrapping a baptism gift, just let me be sad for a moment, maybe hold my hand. Please don't tell me I am over reacting or that its time for me to get over it. And, please, for fuck's sake, don't tell me I must have made the wrong decision. Because if there was one thing I could not escape doing it was considering possibilities.

If you have made it this far then thank you for hanging in there while I rambled. I know you guys get it even when I am not able to make much sense.

The Oregon Trail

2009-04-07T12:57:00.000-07:00

Wow, I can't believe I haven't posted in so long. Things have been mighty busy in my world. The big news is that my brother and his family are moving to Oregon. Oregon. Do you realize what a distance that is? Off the top of my head I couldn't even name all the states between Ohio and Oregon. It is a 35 hour drive. This was not a planned move. In a freaky convergence of circumstances they were both offered pretty good positions and if you live in Ohio you know you just can't turn those down right now. My brother is leaving in 2 1/2 weeks and my sil and the girls are leaving in early June after my oldest niece finishes school. Oy!!!!!

We have been spending a lot of time helping them get ready. I have also been spending a lot of time crying in my bathroom. I absolutely know that we will continue to be in touch almost daily: web cam, email, phone, xbox live, im, texts. There are more ways to stay in contact now than ever before but it just won't be the same. My brother is The D's best friend. I/We will get used to it but it may take me/us a little while. While I know that this is a great opportunity for them, I worry about the girls. This has happened so fast. We have no family or acquaintances in that area. Both my brother and sil will be working full time. The girls are going to have to be the new kids in a care program and then again in school. I know they will be fine but that is such a hard thing for a kid to go through and they have to do it twice in three months.

If by chance I have any one reading this who lives in the Pacific Northwest I would use a bit of help. I am sure that the styles and kid things/activities are a bit different out there from here in the Midwest. My oldest niece will be starting second grade and the youngest will be in pre-school. I would like to make the transition a little easier for them by helping them fit in. Are there any must haves or must nots?

I know I sound a little ridiculous and over emotional. People move all the time. And, of course they will come back to visit as often as they can. We will do the same. I also know that I will LOVE taking my vacations in that part of the country. The D too. So its not like we would be sacrificing vacations for the sake of visiting family. It's just that it is going to be so very...different.

Oh well, I could keep going but this is already too long. I would like to say I am finished with this but I know I will come back to it at some point.

I will be home a bit more this week so I promise to get back to being a better commenter.

I'm back.

2009-03-18T07:25:00.000-07:00

We had a great time. GREAT. My family spoiled us. We spent lots of time wandering through D.C. The new Air and Space Museum near Dulles Airport is unbelievably cool. Then we matched every minute spent soaking up information and history playing Rock Band. We had not played this before but my cousins love it and well...I may be addicted. The D and I are talking about getting the game but I am not sure having it that accessible is a good idea.

We had alot of great food while we were gone. We stopped in a small town...Purcellville? Anyway there was a place called Magnolia's; I highly recommend it. The fried green tomatoes are a must. But it was Fudrucker's, a burger joint, that was my favorite. I am a sucker for a good cheeseburger. And, not like a freshly flame broiled Whopper. I rarely, if ever, eat fast food burgers because I really can't stomach them. I don't even care for a Red.Robin burger (they aren't bad, just not great). I am talking about a burger that someone has put at least a bit of care into. So, I can't believe I have lived in Ohio for so long and never been to Fudrucker's. No, I have to go all the way to Virginia to be introduced to the delight that is Fudrucker's. I don't want to incite an argument with fellow Ohioans here, Thurman's is still of course, the BEST. But I think Fudrucker's comes in a close second. Did I just devote an entire paragraph to cheeseburgers?

I know that I complained about being 5 days late in my last post. Well 5 days went to 8. 8. 8 days before af showed up. 2wws are bad enough, they should not be turned into 3wws. That was an evil, dirty trick and I am still pissed off at the Universe.

I have to take a minute to say that The D is awesome. When I got home yesterday he had the laundry done, the carpets cleaned, the dishes done, and the bed made. Since there was nada left for me to do at home we went to the park and then out to dinner. Smooches, babe. Is there anything sexier than a man doing housework without even being asked?

Spring is here! I have plans to add some flower beds to our yard this year, a few large potted arrangements to our porch, and if I am really ambitious, a small garden. The weather is supposed to be good through the weekend so hopefully I can get a jump start. If anyone has some energy to spare could you please send it this way? I think I may need it.

Later.

2009-03-04T12:29:00.000-08:00

I have been super productive today. I have cleared my desk, cleaned out my car, run errands, started packing, and gave the manimals some extra attention. That sounds awfully good doesn't it. It would be great, except that I was totally lying to you. That was only how I intended for my day to be. The reality is that I still have a ton to catch up at my desk before I can even start thinking about doing the other things. Oh well, the best laid plans...

I am 5 days late. I know that I said that was was absolutely not going to buy peesticks but it had to be done. I held out as long as I could but 5 days was my limit. BFN. I am seriously uncomfortable, people. Every female part of my body is sore and I am b.l.o.a.t.e.d. If AF had shown up on time I would be finishing up just in time to leave for our little trip tomorrow. Now, if I am lucky and it shows up tonight or tomorrow so that I can quit wondering what the hell is going on with me, I will be stuck in a car for 8 hours on the most uncomfortable day of the month, CD1. Please pray for the lives and sanity of The D and my mother as they deal with me.

I will wrap this up now so that I can keep moving through my to do list. Have a great week everyone!

Little Help?

2009-03-02T10:27:00.000-08:00

Thursday we are leaving to visit family just outside of D.C. and The D has never been there. This is not one of those obligatory family visits. We actually like to love these guys and always have great time with them. I love D.C. and could probably be easily persuaded to move there. I think I am going to spend at least two days just hitting the Smithsonians and the Holocaust Museum. The natural history museum has just undergone a bit of a revamp and I can't wait to check it out. I have never been to the Holocaust Museum so I am also really looking forward to that.

My brother's girlfriend is 20. When we were discussing the trip and all the new (and some old) things I wanted to be sure to see, such as the WWII Memorial, Holocaust Museum, etc., she said vacations to those sorts of things don't really interest her right now. That vacations to monuments and museums are for when she is old and slower and can't do the active things anymore. Is it OK to occasionally bitch slap someone if you genuinely like them?

I will be gone for a week (3/2 to 3/12) and won't be able to post or check in. I need to ask for a favor if anyone is willing and able. I am the L&F clicker for Pregnancy Loss A-L on the blog roll*. If anyone would like to fill in, please let me know. I would be grateful. Also, if you find that you like being a clicker and it fits in your schedule, there are a still a few open categories on the blog roll.

*I know that there have been times when I have posted something late to L&F. I am sure that there have been times when I missed something that should have been submitted and someone did not get the support they needed. Please know that if this has been you I am very sorry. I generally check my feed every day, sometimes every couple of days, but sometimes it is not possible. Again, very, very sorry.

The Weight

2009-02-25T19:11:00.000-08:00

I have been doing this so long I am programmed for the 2ww. And even though I wanted a break from TTC and all the modifications and restraints it brought to our lives, I can't do it. I am different now. I decided not to try to fight it. I am not going to stress and I am not, repeat, AM NOT, going to buy peesticks. But, I am going to refrain from caffeine, alcohol, etc., just as if I were hoping to be pregnant. I am having the same problem I was having last month. We are not trying but we are still, um,...practicing. My brain will not let me turn off the fact that just because we aren't trying doesn't mean that I am not ovulating and therefore something could still happen (with one in a million odds, or in a parallel universe, or if I had any of that stuff...you know...what's it called, um, er...luck, that's it). So just in case, I am going to give in to my brain and be a little more responsible with my choices from CD 12 until CD1 comes around again.

I know that the small changes we make during the 2ww are really not that big a deal. I am just having a hard time admitting that I can't simply turn this off anymore. Like when TTC first started for us. We would try a little, then decide that maybe we weren't ready and stop for awhile, then try again. When we stopped that was it, we didn't even think about the possibility of a pregnancy. We did not have a TTC vocabulary. Basic things like ovulation, peestick, u/s, 2ww didn't even enter our minds. So its having to admit that this is a officially part of my life, I think. That no matter what the out come is, whether it be a biological child, adopted child, choosing to live child free, or living child free through no choice of our own, this will be a part of my life from here on out. This journey is going to be a part of what defines me, our life. Even if it is just a small part. I really don't like not being able to control what defines me. And there it is...I am not in control of how I feel about what is happening to me, my body, my life in regards to this, and that bugs the shit out of me. I can make a plan, but any plan will never have a guarantee. No control, fucking hate it.

Wow, when I sat down this was just going to be a short, bitchy post about the 2ww.

For BMom

2009-02-23T13:15:00.000-08:00

BMom, the word verification on your site wouldn't load so I couldn't leave a comment. Here it is: YAY!! Congratulations!! I am sending up a prayer that this leg of your TTC journey is short and successful!!

Happy Monday!

2009-02-23T11:51:00.000-08:00

I wrote a post a few days ago but by the end it had disintegrated in to the ramblings of a raving lunatic and so I have yet to have the guts to post it. I still have moments where I get kind of guarded and I know that you all would be wonderful and supportive but occasionally my self conscious kicks in and keeps me from sharing. OK...that is 50% bullshit. I am also in denial with a capital D. No worries I am fine, nothing new. I am just beginning to admit some things to myself and am just not ready to admit them to the world yet.

The weekend was great. My mil's birthday was Saturday so we took her out to P.F. Cha.ng's for lunch. We are going to visit some of my family in a week and half and we needed a few things so lunch turned into an all day shopping trip. We did not go crazy (I am pretty proud of us), but we stumbled on some ridiculous sales and could not pass them up. The best deal: Merrell, Born, Ecco shoes for $15-$20 a pair ($30-$50 for men's). However, in 5 hours of shopping I did not find one pair of jean's that fit properly. Not one damn pair. I ordered some online so keep your fingers crossed that they work. If they don't expect to hear news of a crazy woman who cut off her own ass and was found beating it unmerciful with a meat mallet in an effort to flatten it while attempting to use a taffy puller to lengthen her legs.

Sunday we spent all day at my grandparent's house. Much of my mother's side of the family was there and we had a nice time catching up with everyone. They are all wonderful and I love them very much but they can all be summed up in one word: Breeders. I am beginning to think I am adopted. There is no way I could have possibly came from this lineage and not have the ability to reproduce on demand.

I hope you all had wonderful weekends too!

P.S. I just discovered that AOL Radio has a "classic Hip-Hop" station. I am in LL Cool J and Naughty By Nature heaven. Yeah...I'm kind of a dork. That's OK.

Break Time

2009-02-18T13:01:00.000-08:00

Just needed a break from staring at numbers and to pass this on. Godiva Extra Dark Chocolate is better than therapy. It is damn near erotic. Smooth, sweet and melty (yep, new word)bitter at the end. Although I was eating it while listening to Matt Nathanson so that may have been the where I was getting the erotic vibe.

I don't know just what to do with myself.

2009-02-17T10:56:00.000-08:00

I had a very productive 3 day weekend. My laundry is caught up. My house is clean. My manimals are appropriately groomed. Meals are planned and shopped for. All errands have been run. I even had non-babymakin' sex each day. That may be TMI, but I don't care. Nookie for no reason at all 3 days in a row deserves to be celebrated. But now, with all of that done, I am bored...to tears. My friends all have children and are rarely available. I need a hobby. One I can stick with. I have been attempting to learn to crochet forever. CASA only keeps me so busy. Fantasy football only lasts 4 months. I am not artistic. Project Runway is not back yet. I cannot stand The Real Housewives (is there anything "real" about these crazies?). I am a pretty darn good baker, but I don't want any of those treats on the house. I am looking for something new and interesting and preferably active. Any suggestions?

CASA

2009-02-13T12:00:00.000-08:00

I am a CASA volunteer. CASA = Court Appointed Special Advocate. CASAs are trained volunteers who are appointed by Judges. They advocate in Court and to other agencies for the best interest of children who are in the system due to neglect, dependency or abuse. Kind of like being the child's voice for them in the courtroom or meetings about them. Sometimes we will also be assigned to a delinquent child. I can't share the details of any of my cases but I can say that today I had a good CASA day.

Part of our job is to write reports to the Court with the results of our investigations into each child's circumstances. On these reports we put a photo of each child. As far as the treatment of the children goes this is the worst case I have ever had. This week I took new pictures of my kids and wrote a new report. It has been one year since I have photographed the children. I had to reference the first report I wrote and pulled it out. Its not that I had forgotten the appearance and behaviors of the children from that time (I see them at least once a month)...I just couldn't believe that the smiling, healthy, playing children in my new photos could even be related to the children in the photos from last year. Let alone be the same kids. They are now thriving and have a chance at great new lives filled with opportunities...and I got to help make that happen.

The system is flawed but its what we've got. Not all cases end with optimum results achieved for the kids involved despite the best intentions and works of the professionals involved. If fact most don't. Most have OK endings. When you get one that ends this well (keep your fingers crossed because this isn't over quite yet) you cheer and you share. I feel warm and fuzzy down to my toes. Of course me feeling good is not the ultimate goal here; a great outcome for the kids is. It is a hell of a nice by-product though.

Even I don't know what I'm saying.

2009-02-10T19:29:00.000-08:00

I am really at a loss for what to blog about as we are not officially trying to get pregnant at the moment. Not that we have done anything to prevent a pregnancy...we are just not going to go at it like rabid bunnies during ovulation for at least one month more. While I know that this is my space and I do not have to limit myself to one topic sometimes I feel like I am neglecting my intention for this blog's true purpose by avoiding the topic for weeks and just rambling about mundane life happenings. But, I really don't want to have anything in my life that is soley defined by our losses and that's what I feel this space would be if I simply blogged about TTC when I have no guarantee that successful pregnancy will be in my future. Am I making sense to anyone other than me? You don't have to answer that.

I am saying all this because despite having a bit of a bat shit crazy moment wondering if I was pg or not (its a BFN) I really enjoyed having the pressure off. I believe the bat shit crazy was due to not being able to remember life before 2ww's and I didn't know what to do with myself. We have talked alot about not trying anymore. At least right now. Not preventing, mind you...just not trying. We have also discussed that we are only 30 and have plenty of time for babies. But, being 30 also means we are old enough to not be able to ignore the fact that the longer the clock ticks the harder this will become. I am sure we will talk a lot more before we make any sort of final (and completely modifiable or reversable at any time) decision.

Which brings me to another question I have no answer for right now...If I weren't TTC what would I blog about?

Road Trip!

2009-02-09T13:02:00.000-08:00

I have found the answer to all of our prayers. Ripley's was hiding it from us all along. I am making my reservations for Myrtle Beach now, ladies and gentleman. I suggest you book yours now too because 1/6 of the world's population is going to do the same and you don't want to be stuck sleeping on the beach in February. This will be a fun little trip. The D can get some golf in and I can catch baby*.

*Catch baby? That's pregnancy, right? It isn't some trendy new disease? Just want to be sure before I go packing up the Jeep.

Holiday Flashback

2009-02-02T11:52:00.000-08:00

I had a great weekend. A little lazy but filled to the brim with friends and family (and a nap).

This story is now over a month old but I forgot to share it at the time and I know if I wait for next Christmas I will forget all over again.

Our local zoo has a great display of Christmas lights every year. We made plans to go to the lights with The D's cousin, his wife and their two (6 and 7 years old)daughters. We were going to take only one vehicle there so they met us at our house. While waiting for us to get ready one of the girls was playing with our new kitten. She stood up, slightly perplexed, and in the fashion of a nosey, anxious mother in law asked "Why do you have so many cats? Why don't you have a baby?" When we all stopped giggling, I told her that we were trying but joked that we must not be doing something right. I assured her that we would try some more and she thanked me because she "really wants a girl cousin".

At night you can't interact with the animals in the petting zoo but you can still see them so we took the girls through anyway. To our surprise we came across two alpacas bumping some serious uglies. In the interest of hurrying along the arrival of her "girl cousin" the seven year old used this as an opportunity to educate me. She very loudly said "See if you want to have a baby the boy has to climb up on the girl's back and she needs to spin aroung really fast and then she needs to spit and then you get a baby. But, you have to make SURE you spit. Now you know how to do it right, ok?" Every adult in earshot (and there were alot of them) laughed right out loud. I wish she could hold on to that innocence forever. I hope this advice is helpful to you all.

Informer

2009-01-28T12:10:00.000-08:00

Snow. We are buried in it and it is beautiful. I love snow. LOVE IT. I still go sledding ad The D and I still have snowball fights. Well, not fights so much as whoever gets home first lies in hidden wait for the other and ambushes them. And, of course, any significant snowfall demands hot cocoa from scratch. Even my dog loves snow. She loves to go for walks and never uses the cleared paths, instead choosing to roll and leap (she is under 2 feet tall) through the piled snow. My neices will be here this weekend and I can't wait. Sledding and snowmen making and fort building, yay! I know what you are thinking at this very moment and you are right...I AM a big child but, there is very little to do in our area during the Winter and snow brings a ton of activity options. A welcome chance to ward off cabin fever.

Here, there, everywhere.

2009-01-21T07:26:00.000-08:00

This is going to be a completely disconnected post.

We are both still job hunting. I am still working but The D is not. With one of us home full time we are busier than ever and I don't quite know how that happens. I feel like I haven't had a minute to myself in weeks. He always had a few hours to himself in the morning after I left for work and I always had a couple hours in the evening before he got home. But now we seem to be scheduled from the moment I get home with dinner invitations from well meaning family members (I try to assure them that we are not starving but it is wasted breath), errands, and home projects the D has started. Not to mention all that regular pesky housework that still needs to be done. Now please understand when I say what I am going to say that I love my husband and I know that I am beyond lucky to have him...I really need some alone time or I may stab him with a fork the next time I hear him chew, or breathe for that matter. Is this normal? Fuck, I don't care if it is normal, its how I feel.

I think my body and mind are conspiring to play dirty tricks on me. I feel pregnant. My lovely lady lumps feel like they have been subjected to 100 mammograms in a row, my uterus is twitchy, I am tired, oh and have I mentioned that I sometimes have thoughts of stabbing my husband with utensils merely because he exists? So, I may be considered a tad moody. I am sure that I am not pregnant. At least I think I'm sure. This doesn't feel like PMS, but of course it could be. It could definitely be PMS combined with stress. I usually ovulate on CD10-11 so even if I were it is way to early for me to feel anything. We aren't officially trying at the moment (we stopped with this cycle because of the uncertainty with employment although we haven't done anything to prevent it either) so I haven't treated this like a 2ww. There has been caffeine, there has definitely been a drink or five, and during the aforementioned drink or five there may have been a cigarette. I don't smoke regularly but will very occasionally have one with a drink. So, even though I am sure my body is just fucking with me I am starting to worry that I may have done permanent damage to the child I am sure I am not pregnant with. Again, is this normal?

I got my second opinion on Hydie this week. My mother's doc, who I will damn sure use as my ob when the time comes (love him!), reviewed all my ultrasounds and tests, gave me another ultrasound and backed up my gyn's opinion. Hydie shall remain a part of me for the foreseeable future and I should stop worrying about her until (if/when) an ultrasound shows any change or I am done having children. However he also said if I ever need to have a c-section that would be a good time to have her out if I wanted to because they would already be in there and it is unlikely that I would want to have another child immediately so the healing would not interfere with ttc.

See, completely disconnected. I have a goal to start posting more often so that I have less to write and posts would then be more focused on one subject. But, all things planned have pretty much flown right out the window so far this year so I am not sure how much faith I have in actually following through with that. Now its off to catch up on blogs!

Target

2009-01-16T07:12:00.001-08:00

I got out of Target for less than $50 yesterday. I can't remember that ever happening before. I am pretty proud of myself and The D is amazed.

2009-01-09T11:42:00.001-08:00

So yesterday I got to work and noticed that our entire walk had been shovelled to the street. This is odd not only because I was the first one there but also because we only ever shovel a small path from the parking lot to the door. As others arrived many theories were bounced around as to how the snow moved and it was determined that there was only one real, possible answer: leprechauns. Seriously, that is a far more realistic possibility than any of us coming around early to move some damn snow.

About an hour later a man shows up demanding to be paid $40 for shovelling our walk. After we got over our disappointment that leprechauns were not real after all, we determined that no one asked or hired this man (or any other company for that matter) so he would not be compensated. This little ass hat proceeded to argue that it didn't matter that we didn't hire him, he provided a service to a business and therefore should be paid. Well that was what I think I ascertained exactly his argument was between the threats and lovely names he had for me. Normally if someone down on their luck comes around looking for a little work we will pay them a few bucks to take care of leaves or snow. But $40? And with him behaving like an asshole? Ugh, I wanted to beat him unmerciful with his own shovel. He left but claimed he wasn't done with this. We laughed it off and went back to work.

Today we found out that this guy is a new tenant in the apartments next door. Fucking marvelous.

Current Feelings

2009-01-08T07:33:00.000-08:00

The Steadfast Warrior at Destined to be an Old Woman with No Regrets was tagged and asked tp put up a video of a song that embodied her current feelings and sent out a general request that if you felt like it to do the same. I felt like it. So here, for your viewing pleasure (sorry for the quality, there is no official video for this song)is Eric Hutchinson's "Oh".

Happy New Year!

2009-01-05T10:45:00.001-08:00

Aye! I have over 60 posts in my reader to catch up on. You guys have been busy. I will catch up, I promise, but it may take me a bit. If you are part of my clicker catagory I am sorry. If you have news that I missed and you would like me to pass on to L & F in the meantime please feel free to leave it here and I will get it there. I know that totally defeats the purpose of having a clicker and I feel massive guilt.

I have just deleted to paragraphs because I had something to say but couldn't make it come out without making The D sound terrible. He is definately not terrible. Not even close. If I can find a way to word what I was thinking/feeling without scapegoating him I will revisit the issue.

We have spent the last week perfecting our resumes, typing cover letters, and scouring job boards. Thinks are looking ok. If you ask me again in a month I may have an entirely different answer, but for now, ok.

A 2ww is over today. Strange what a difference a couple of weeks can make. As much as I would love it, I admit this with great shame and guilt you cannot imagine, I am feeling a bit of relief that we are not expecting through this. We still have health insurance, but for how much longer and perhaps with a gap, and god forbid I go into a new policy with anything that can be considered a pre-existing condition. Fucking HMO bastards. Plus, and I know I am asking for way too much here, we have been through so much already in this little ttc journey of ours that when it happens could I only have that to worry about please. Because worrying about the wee one will be all I can handle, it will be all consuming. I know me.

I am going to end this now and try to make a little dent in my reader.

Happy New Year! May 2009 bring a plethora of BFP's, smooth adoptions, peaceful resolution and gainful employment to all those in need.

May I Panic?

2008-12-30T17:44:00.000-08:00

Today my husband and I BOTH got the news that our respective employers do not have funds to pay us at present. We both have jobs if we would like to keep them but if we choose to stay it will be basically on a volunteer basis until cash flow resumes for the companies we work for. I may be receiving one -maybe two more paychecks but The D is done with them for the foreseeable future. The job market where we live is aweful and everyone is suffering. We have both already started looking for anything to get through our employers cash flow slump. Luckily for me its tax season I will be able to find something part time, shouldn't be too hard. The D on the other hand...

We live in an area supported largely by one male dominated industry. That particular industry has recently crumbled. While neither of us work in that industry most available get-you-over-the-slump kind of jobs have been filled by the people affected by their layoffs and firings.

We have some savings and thank goodness we always get a refund on our taxes, so that will help. But....yikes!!!!!!!!! This.is.scary. And here I was hoping our season passes for the emotional roller coaster were going to expire on New Years Eve. I guess we stay on for one more year. I just wish I could see over the top of the hill...

I still want a hula hoop.

2008-12-29T12:53:00.000-08:00

Christmas is finally over. Can you believe it? Yay! I got almost everything I asked for: peaceful time with my family wherein no one asked intrusive questions or offered advice; good food; girl time with my nieces; a nap with The D; several books; and a camera. My kind of holiday.

Yesterday was our 6th wedding anniversary. We had breakfast in the morning at our favorite diner with our favorite members of The D's side of the family and ran around doing some exchanging during the day. Then we ate pizza and loafed at my dad and step-mother's in the evening. Very boring, Know. Christmas was just so busy it was all we had in us to do.

Someone who shall remain nameless gave my 6yo niece several Bratz Dolls. I have seen them before, but have never paid enough attention to really SEE them. Who in their right mind would give these to children? For those of you who may have never seen a Bratz they can be summed up thusly: ho fo sho. Very voluptuous figures, bare tummies, short skirts, fishnet stockings, big hair, stripper makeup and fuck me shoes. They are Barbies for hookers in training. My niece's mother took them away before she could get them out of the packaging and said that she could take them back to the store to exchange them for a toy of her choosing. She cried that all her friends had them. How in the hell could parents allow these things to become so popular? Props to my sil for politely telling the gifter that she did not permit the girls to play with these dolls and not caring what people though of her in return.

Thinking more about our anniversary now. I think I am feeling a little sad that we let it pass with little to no fanfare. It really was an emotional roller coaster of a year and our relationship made it through not just unscathed, but stronger. I am very lucky in that The D is open and supportive. I think It deserves a little recognition. I think I will go to the butcher shop and market after work and make The D a yummy dinner with something lacy for dessert. Yes, that's what I will do.

That's all for today, more on the holiday later. I am off to make The D feel appreciated.

I got tagged.

2008-12-22T09:10:00.000-08:00

I got tagged!!I got tagged by Falling or Flying. I am generally not a fan of these read, do and pass on things but this one I think is good and am happy to get tagged. So many of us blog strictly about our TTC journey that our individual quirkiness sometimes gets lost. And isn't that sometimes just what we need...to know that there are people out there who are just as kooky as we are?

The rules are:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.

2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.

3. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs.

1. If I do not match my bra and underwear I worry all day that some freaky convergence of circumstances is going to force me to be undressed in front of strangers and they will witness my mismatchedness (yeah, new word there people). So much so that I have actually gone home and changed on my lunch hour.

2. I love to watch movies and eat pizza in bed with The D. And not like bring a slice and a bread stick to the bedroom and snuggle up. I mean carry the freshly delivered pizza, salad, and bread sticks directly to the bed and eat right out of the boxes while burrowed into our pillows and blankets. It sometimes requires a sheet change later but it is totally worth it.

3. I am a sucker for crappy 80's and 90's pop. Seriously...Gerrardo, Wham!, hair metal, Michael Jackson (black and mocha Michael only, once you get into totally white Michael you run the risk of getting sucked into his creepiness), Samantha Fox, the worse the better. It flips a slap-happy switch in my brain. If anyone reading this actually knows me IRL don't ask me about it. I will become a stone cold pillar of denial.

4. I have Flinstone feet. They are wide, flat and about as straight across as you can at the end of the short nubby things people tell me are my toes.

5. I like to drink Diet Coke/Coke through a chocolate Twizzler like a straw. The chocolate Twizzlers are hard to find and I usually have to stock up on them when ever we are in Hershey. This is a behavior I reserve for the privacy of my own home so as to not seem like a five year old trapped in a thirty year old's body in public.

6. I love a steaming hot bath accompanied by an ice cold beer.

7. I am in a fantasy football league with The D, my sibs, sil and most of our male friends. Every year I do better than he does, despite have only a fraction of his knowledge of the game and the NFL. Last year I won the league. Outwardly I am sympathetic and try not to gloat. Inwardly I am so happy to have beaten him I feel like I may burst. I always feel guilty about that.

I am still having a problem with links. Instead I will just list seven blogs I have been reading and hope you go check them out. And I suppose if you notice your name on the list consider yourself tagged. Go forth and share your kookiness.

A Maybe Story: An Optimism Project

Destined to be an Old Woman with No Regrets

Expecting a Miracle

I am not ashamed of having infertility: just pissed.

Journey of Faith - a path to motherhood

Moving Forward After Miscarriage

Lacking Expectations

The Waiting Game

2008-12-19T07:43:00.000-08:00

My gyn appointment yesterday was equally good and bad. First off, my doc was really present with me. After I was violated, er wanded, by my lovely u/s tech (she really is wonderful), my doc came in with my full chart. She gave me a gentle pap, assaulted my breasts and spent as much time as I needed talking about the issues I had. Regarding Hydie: She went over the u/s images with me and restated her opinion that Hydie should remain untouched. Regarding fertility: Since we continued to use condoms for the recommended 3 full cycles (which took about 4 months to happen) after the methotrexate she would like to wait 3 more months to see if anything happens on its own before we proceed with testing. That will make it a full 12 months/cycles since our last pregnancy. However, she said she was willing to start now if we really wanted to. We are choosing to wait. However in the meantime I have made an appointment for a second opinion on Hydie with my Mom's doc. I do trust her but two heads are better than one right? Right.

Doc gave me literature on infertility and the particulars of all the testing associated with determining its cause. I have read lots of blogs. I have heard other women talk about the testing and their experiences. Now that I know the particulars, I really have to give it up to you ladies. I thought I knew a bit about what was going to happen; I knew nothing. The reality of my doc explainging and saying out loud this is what will be happening to ME...I am more than a little scared. I have had some pretty painful procedures but these sound horrible. Just writing about it here makes my lady business hurt. And a post-coital test?!?!? Is there any thing more embarassing? If there is please, for the love of God, do not tell me. All of this is overwhelming enough.

Doc also gave me literature and instructions on charting. I have been doing this for myself but have apparently been doing it half assed. I am to start doing it properly with my next cycle and take 3 mos worth with me when we go back. Can you guess who's gettin' a basal body temperature thermometer for Christmas?

So there it is. 3 more months...

P.S. I got tagged by Ms. Falling or Flying (aka jodie) . I am having issues with posting links and will put the tag response up as soon as I get it worked out.

With a Little Help From My Friends

2008-12-18T06:05:00.000-08:00

One of my greatest friends called me yesterday to ask how I was doing with the holidays. I told her for the most part I was ok and that there has only been one occasion so far when I wanted to run out of a party after laying curses on the heads of a select few fucktards. She proceeded to ask me for my holiday gathering schedule. As I was telling her about each one she was putting them in her Blackberry and setting an alert. I asked what the hell she was doing and told her that there was no need to go with me to any of them, that I would be fine. She called me a dumb ass; she was not going with me. She was doing what we used to do back in the days when we still had first dates. She was going to give me that call sometime during the party, you know the one, the one where I can say either" Oh, hi...I am at yadayada...I will call you back later" or "Oh no...something bad...oh, honey...I'll be right there." And this is why I love her.

Blogger ate my homework.

2008-12-17T06:23:00.000-08:00

I had a post all written up about what was chapping my ass in Newsweek last week but it was gone when I came back to proof it. Campbell's Soup: there was an article about two mothers who divorced who have a 5yo little girl. The custodial parent has become a devout christian and refuses allow the child to visit with the other parent because she now belives that lesbianism is wrong. I was ranting that in all the fuss over gay/straight, right/wrong, and legal precedent in adoption and biology that the little girl and her best interests got completely lost. I am pissed it is gone. It was a good rant.

I have a gyn appointment tomorrow. I am nervous. I hate having to be confrotational with doctors but I really need for my doc to listen to me and address Hydie instead of leaving her and I in limbo. I also need to ask several questions about the testing for The D and further testing for me. We are currently "unexplained". I hate uncertainty.

I am almost done with my holiday shopping. My tree is up. I have not done any baking yet though so that is the plan for this weekend.

My 6th wedding anniversary is on the 28th. Does anyone have any ideas for a creative gift for The D or something to do? We usually don't do big gifts because it is right after Christmas. The last two years it has gone pretty much uncelebrated so this year I would like to do something for him but I have absolutely no ideas.

We are adopting a new addition to our family tonight. I have been fostering him for about two months now. When he came into the shelter he had two broken legs and the vet was unsure if they would be able to successfully rehabilitate him. Well, after he was splinted he came to rest up at my house and limped his way right into a permanent home. He is the perfect fuzzy little Christmas present. Unfortunately this means I will no longer be able to foster because the inn is now full. This makes for a total of 3 cats and 1 dog. The manimals now out number us 2 to 1. Hopefully I am also getting a new camera for Christmas (I kind of already know that I am. Thanks, FIL) and I will post pictures of him when I am able.

Wow, this post is all over the place. Sorry for the ramble.

Do Whatcha Like

2008-12-09T08:00:00.000-08:00

Between the New York Times and Newsweek there certainly is alot to get your panties in a bunch over this week. We'll start with The Times:

Unless you have been cut off from the world for the past week you know that Alex Kuczynski wrote a brief summary of her experience in having a baby via a surrogate. Photos aside (there is no excuse for the liberties the photo editor took in exploiting the situation), I don't care. So she spent $25,000 to have another woman carry her child. Good for her. She had the means to get what she longed for and went for it. Due to financial constraints most do not have the the luxury of repeated IUI or IVF cycles, let alone funds left at the end of that to enable surrogacy to be a viable option for them.

When you are dealt the hand of infertility life almost certainly and very quickly becomes consumed with identifying your options, choosing what, if any, of those options are right for you and fighting for their implementation. Which is why the article itself did not interest me nearly as much as comments from other infertiles condemning Ms. Kuczynski. This surrogacy process was Ms. Kuczynski's choice and that of her surrogate. This was Ms. Kuczynski's side of the story and she told it with unabashed honesty knowing exactly how elitest or unappreciative she was going to come off. She knew that and was still willing to expose that those feelings may come for the biological mother. She should not have to appologize for or justify her feelings of relief or guilt in continuing to live a life inclusive of all the freedoms non-pregnant women traditionally enjoy, or any feeling associated with this process for that matter. No one should know this better that other infertiles. Her story is neither bad nor good, it is simply her story. She did not help or harm the current reputation of surrogacy. She brought attention to it. She got people talking about it. That, in my opinion, was the best thing she could have done. And, mighty brave.

Cycle Day 2 Musings

2008-12-08T08:00:00.000-08:00

Alternate post title: I am most definately an idiot.

When I ovulate I experience symptoms similar to pms. Breast tenderness, cramping, etc. Yeah, PMS twice a month; what kind of shit luck lottery did I win? Also, of course, there are the temp and mucus changes as well. My Lady Business Department has become very good at keeping its employees on schedule and I have become pretty aware of recognizing the changes in my body so I have been lax on the temp taking the past two months. But, last month AF came late and I did not sticker my calendar. Consequently it slipped my mind. So, it was not ovulation I was feeling last week just the timely arrival of AF. I really did totally miss my ovulation, mentally. If I was on schedule all month as indicated by by my current condition there was plenty ado made at the appropriate time so that I did not miss it physically. And yet here I sit, menses raging. No double lined peestick for me this month.

All of this has got me thinking. Was I just busy? Did I miss it because I was a little consumed with the one year anniversary? Or, do I really not want this as badly as I think I do? I just don't get how I could forget about it. I have to assume that any of you reading this know exactly how all consuming the babymakin' is. Maybe I am not all in? Maybe I am a little fed up with it? We have an appointment with the doc on the 18th to discuss miscellaneous things (Hydie included) and schedule further testing for me. I am going to think on this until then.

I am also going to seriously consider whether ttc has finally qualified me as insane so therefore I may be over reacting and should cut myself some slack.

I'm an idiot.

2008-12-04T11:25:00.001-08:00

I am ovulating. Its right on schedule. I somehow missed it. It snuck up on me . I don't know how. I know I have been busy, but I have no idea how I could have missed it. And, of course thanks to the being busy and The D being sick, its been several days since our bedroom saw any action, as is definately not the custom in the 2-3 days prior to ovulation. I figure I still have a couple good hours left, maybe.* Is it wrong to tell your boss you need to leave work to go have sex? I'm sure I can come up with something.

*Since TTC and becoming fully educated on the reproductive cycle and the small window of opportunity one has to conceive each month I have become increasingly amazed and pissed at the number of unintended pregnacies that occur. I mean, seriously, what are the fucking odds?

Hydrosalpinx

2008-12-04T08:08:00.000-08:00

I became involved with this community because of two early miscarriages and one ectopic pregnancy. That ectopic was one year ago. Trans vaginal ultrasounds performed in the year since show a stable hydrosalpinx (Hydie - yes I named it, yes there is definately something wrong with me north of the border as well) on my right side. Its not getting any bigger, but it's not getting any smaller either. My doc has informed me that the tube is non-functioning and I will not be able to get pregnant from ovulation on that side. She said that because I have no history of pelvic infection that Hydie was likely from the ectopic but that without an ultrasound prior to the ectopic for comparison that she can't sure. It's a chicken/egg debate. Did Hydie show up before and caused the ectopic or did the ectopic cause Hydie. So, doc decided its best to just leave it alone and monitor it with quarterly ultrasounds. She feels it is not a good idea to go disturbing everything down there while we are TTC.

What I didn't remember when we had the discussion about prior ultrasounds is that I did in fact have not one, but two, AT HER OFFICE. Granted they were more than a year prior and were for an unrelated thing but they would still have pictures of my tubes. And, that means she didn't bother to read my chart. That disturbs me. Is she really being as thorough with me as she should? I notified the office of this and made an appointment for next week so that we can compare the before and after ultrasounds.

All this brings me to my question: If Hydie came before the ectopic should I have her taken out? This means that doc is wrong and I can get pregs in that tube and it will in fact result in another ectopic. Or, should I leave it alone in the interest of not throwing my reproductive system into further upheaval and hope a pregnancy comes from the left side and is successful? Or, in the event that Hydie was not there prior to the ectopic should I have her out anyway to just be done with it or continue having ultrasounds every four months (bearing in mind that she no longer functions? My doc is really against unnecessary surgery but is it unnecessary if it will keep me from going crazy? I am having trouble finding reliable information on this and I know that you all are not licensed to hand out medical advice but your collective wisdom would be greatly appreciated and would at least point me in the right directions with what questions I would be asking my doc.

And finally, am I over reacting in thinking about switching to a new gyn? She is not an ob (she used to be but the practice got out of babies a few years ago). This is the first and only time I have doubted her abilities or attention to detail. But I am wondering with all this ttc stuff if even once is too much?

OPEN THE DOOR!!!

2008-11-30T19:57:00.000-08:00

Caution kids mentioned, they are not mine, but they are kids just the same.

Sorry for the hiatus. Painting, rearranging, hosting Thanksgiving and long weekend houseguests left little"me" time.** My brother and his family stayed with us for the weekend and having the neices around was delightful. If you except the coughing, vommiting, dripping noses and the three year old waking up every half hour, poor babies. But, I gotta say even when they are terribly ill and yakking on me, they are adorable and too funy and I wish I had five just like 'em. They saw that we had a Jack and the Beanstalk movie and asked to watch it. We had never showed it to them because it is the Abbott and Costello version and we weren't sure they would find that funny yet. No exageration...they watched it five times and got just about every joke. And before I get yelled at for letting them watch WAY too much TV please remember that they were pretty sick so playing and projects were out.

I have so many things I saw that sparked an "Ooooh..I am so gonna blog about that." However, it is late and I can't remember any of them so for now it is off to bed with me. Tomorrow or Tuesday I will post some questions regarding Hydrosalpinx because I have become seriously confused.

Be back soon.

**If you must know the truth, part of the hiatus, was due to the 21st being the loss anniversary for my last miscarriage and I was doing me best to avoid the topic outwardly. I did well for the most part. The D really came through for me. He was kind enough to never mentioned it but was so supportive of me in his actions (like not complainging about my needing the two of us to redo half our house for the sole purpose of keeping me busy). I can't put words to his awesomeness at the moment but will figure it out someday and will be sure to tell him I noticed and appreciated it.

Self-Inflicted Misery

2008-11-12T08:56:00.000-08:00

It's two weeks before Thanksgiving, and I decide that we need to switch the bedrooms around and, of course, paint them. What the hell is wrong with me?

Happy Holidays

2008-11-10T06:35:00.000-08:00

The Infertility Trifecta, I think that's what Mel over at Stirrup-Queens called the holiday season, it's perfect. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's...shoot me now, or at least heavily medicate me, please.

I should preface this by saying that I host Thanksgiving each year. Last year I spent the day before Thanksgiving in the ER with an ectopic pregnancy. The food had been bought and I was already well into cooking when I got the call from my gyn to get to the hospital NOW. I took the series of methotrexate shots and was sent home. Needless to say, we called off dinner, but I did not want the food to go to waste. So, on Saturday, my mother, mil and sil came over, finished the cooking for me and most of my immediate family came. They spent the day hanging out, eating and taking care of my husband and I. I gotta say, as miserable as I was, it was lovely and everyone seemed to know exactly what I needed and what to say. Not a drop of assvice.

That Sunday there was a baby shower for another sil on a step side of the family. I was still bleeding and had pretty good cramping going on. But, otherwise, was physically ok. I had been getting calls from my step-mom to check on me but with each call she said she really hoped to see me at the shower. No shit, she hoped to see me at a baby shower, not four days after I had to terminate my own pregnancy which my body was still in the process of disposing of. In her defense I don't think she has ever been through a miscarraige and I don't think she was aware that this was by far the most promising pregnancy that The D and I had (by the initial numbers anyway) so we had great hopes. I know the shower was important to her as it was her first biological grandchild but I just couldn't do it. And, I felt so bad that I couldn't do it, like I should be able to do this for her. So, now along with my misery, I was heaping guilt on myself.

Then Christmas. I cannot begin to describe the awefulness. The looks of pity. The assvice: You will get pregnant again; Take a vacation; Our family is fertile so its just a matter of time for you; Why don't you talk to your cousin (mother of 4) and see what works for her; When you get right with God he will bless you with children (this one is my personal fucking favorite). The worst part about Christmas is that it is two days. Back to back pity parties. The upside to these pity parties is that like any good party they are stocked with good food and wine. Lots of wine. Be warned though, the wine may make it a little too easy to call someone announcing an unplanned pregnancy an ungrateful bitch. I have since been forgiven by this dear friend and have another delightful Godson.

Oh, New Year's. What a two-faced asshole the New Year was/is (of course you don't get to know this until the next one rolls around). You get to kiss the misery of the old year goodbye. You get the hope that the next year will be your year. That it will be better and bring you all you wished for. But around October, even though your doctor was optimistic, you begin to realize that last New year's will not deliver on the promise it dangled and you will be forced to allow yourself to engage in that hope all over again on this the next New Year's.

I know this post may seem early, but planning the Tanksgiving menu happened to coincide with the late arrival of AF, and this 2WW seemed very promising, and now I am bitchy, and now I eating M&M's by the handful (ok, by the bagful), and now I am sad, and now I do not have a pregnancy to announce to keep everyone off my back this season as I hoped I would.

Oh, fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck.

With the way the last holiday season kicked off at least I can be assured that there is no way this one can be as bad.

Wow, this post is long. But, I feel a little better. A lot better actually. I will be fine, The D and I will get through this. Deep breath. I will be fine. And you know what, if I am not, the people who love me, and I am blessed to have lots of them, will understand.

Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

2008-11-05T11:57:00.000-08:00

That, my friends, is an eight year old sigh of relief. I stayed up long enough last night to see who won Ohio, and then fell contentedly asleep.

I am more than extremely pleased with the outcome of our presidential election. But the thing I am most pleased with is this: It.is.finally.OVER. I swear to Jebus that if I had to endure one more day of misleading ads, pointless debates, 10-15 telephone calls per day on my unlisted home phone (Ohio had alot going on), 40 Days for Life, strangers knocking at my door at 8:00am on Saturday, emails containing information taken from fantasyland, words of wisdom from S. Joe the Plumber, the ever grating "You betcha!"(seriously, I can't even stand it when Tina Fey does it) and oh so much more, I was going to...well let's just say that all those in the imediate vicinity of me are very happy that I don't need to finish that sentence. To be fair to both parties, it was Obama supporters who showed up at my doorstep at 8:00am and Barry, er, President-Elect Obama, called once or twice himself with a lovely, albeit unsolicited, message.

As aggravating as this campaign season was, it proved to be worthwhile and I am joyed to have been witness to, and a participant in, this fine hour of our country's history. Here's to eight years of progress, prosperity and equality.

Head Shaking Mouth Agape

2008-10-28T08:14:00.001-07:00

I was reading a tragic article online that contained so much stupidity that I had to write my thoughts down to make them cease screaming in my head.

A boy, eight years old, attended a gun show with his father and older brother on Sunday. At said gun show, the boys father and a firearms instructor at the show thought it would be a good idea to let the boy fire an Uzi, unassisted. The boy, a third grader, was killed when he was unable to control the recoil of the Uzi he was firing and was shot once in the head. His father is the director of emergency medicine at Johnson Memorial Hospital in Stafford, CT. The DIRECTOR OF EMERGENCY MEDICINE! He is a person who is trained to assess risk and minimize it, manage the worst emergencies and avoid further emergency. A person who must be well versed in at least basic physics who should have understood what the force of the recoil would do to a boy of that weight(yes, it is a small gun but it is fully automatic); the speed and amount of ammuintaion an Uzi is designed to fire; and the danger that would be posed to not only his child but to all around if he were to be unable to manage the force. This person thought it was a good idea to let his son fire such a weapon. A weapon our own military does not use routinely. A weapon designed for the sole purpose of making casualties of the enemy. To call this an unacceptable/unbelieveable fuck up on the part of any parent would be an understatement, but for this particular well-educated parent there are no words that come to mind to adequately describe the atrocity of his failure to recognize the risk factors slapping him in the face. I will not even begin to speak as to the certified instructor who was most familiar with the weapon and still thought is was a good idea to put it in the hands of an eight year old.

Before someone reads this and accuses me of being a liberal nut who wants to take away all the guns, know this...I am a liberal nut. But, I believe in the second amendment. I believe people have the right to protect their homes, families, and our country; or hunt for food. I belive people have the right and responsibility to educate their children on how to protect themselves by the means they deem best. Be that through self-defense and surrounding awareness classes, martial arts, big dogs, available legal weapons, etc....or just good old common sense. I believe in the ability of most people to exercise good judgment and know what the best options for their individual families are.

Wow, I am done ranting and I can still not wrap my head around the stupidity of the adults involved in this compeltely avoidable tragedy. What.The.Fuck.

P.S.
To the Divine Higher Powers of the Universe:
I am not exactly sure why these folks were entrusted with a child as opposed to me. And, hey, I am definately not questioning your wisdom or your grand plan. Nooo no. I was just thinking that if you knew that I would promise never to let a child granted unto me do things like eat too much candy, stay up too late, get tatooed at age 5, play with knives at age 6, swim with sharks at age 7, and oh let's see...FIRE A FREAKING UZI AT AGE 8, you might move me closer to the top of the list of possible places to deliver such a precious gift. Thank you for your consideration.

I'm late.

2008-10-24T07:38:00.000-07:00

Ha, no not that "late". I am late on my one post per week goal. Better late than never.

I have nothing important to say. Really. These days I don't feel like I have an original thought in my head. Everything I am thinking or feeling is being addressed or has been addressed more times than I can count in other blogs or comentary. All of my opinions on current events are shared by a multitude of people who have already posted them to death. So what does that make me...average, normal, a follower, boring, unimaginative? A combination of those things?

To illustrate my point the following is what is currrently swirling around my head:

Everyone I know is pregnant. Well, not everyone, only 5 women. I will be attending 1 baby shower per month for the next 5 months. I will help others ready their homes for a child. I will not ready my own. What infertile hasn't been here.

I am tired of the election coverage. I made my mind up months ago. All this last ditch effort campaigning and the accompanying media spots are making both parties look bad. One more so than the other, natch.

Thanksgiving and Christmas plans and preparations are already taking over my house. Ba humbug!

etc.

See boring.

I am not very good at this.

2008-10-16T12:42:00.000-07:00

Hello, Internets. I can't belive I haven't touched this attempted blog since June. I am such a quitter. Actually, what happened is this...I got...shy? Yes, I think it was shy. Shy is a very new, suprising feeling for me. I knew I would be writing at times about some pretty personal, intimate stuff and I became apprehensive about putting that out there. I believe I have now gotten back to my old open self and I vow to the wired world that I shall post more often. My goal through the end of the year is at least once a week. That should be enough to see if I really enjoy blogging.

I really have no major updates to offer since June. I still have an uncooperative reproductive system and we are still trying the old-fashioned way. We went on a great vacation to Walt Disney World with my family and had way too much fun especially with our nieces. We have some remodeling and home maintenance projects soon to be in the works and I will blog about those as they happen. I would love to move but we would have to sell in order for that to happen and where we live nothing is selling. So we are going to just tweak our house.

Ok, that's it for me today. I really will try to stick to my at least once a week goal.

Oh wait, that's not quite it. I need a favor. I have an abundance of sweet potatoes. The D will only eat sweet potato casserole about one more time before he declares a mutiny and takes over the cooking duties. Now, believe me the last thing we want is The D attempting to cook. So if anyone is reading this (and I know it can't be many if anyone at all) who has any recipes or suggestions on different ways to have sweet potatoes, please let me know. Thanks!

All About Me

2008-06-10T07:40:00.000-07:00

After my last miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy ended with methotrexate in November of 2007, the infertility blogs helped me tremendously. Seven months later I am still waiting for my reproductive system to actually be productive. Even though I have not fully admitted to myself that I may have infertility "issues" I find myself still checking in with my favorite blogs daily and relating pretty closely. So I thought maybe starting one of my own could be helpful. Here goes...

The Basics: I have been married for five years to the most wonderful, unconditionally supportive guy who shall hereafter be referred to as"The D". I have two cats, Big Stuff and Little Miss, and a dog, Mims. I work in an office and do a lot of volunteer work with local programs for child advocacy and animal shelters. I have a very big, close family. I have two nieces that my brother and s-i-l let The D and I spoil rotten. Well, not rotten, but they choose to have us all very involved in their upbringing and I will never, ever be able to show them how much we appreciate the type of relationship we have been able to enjoy with them.

I can be pretty dry and sarcastic. My sense of humor could easily be described as quirky. So if you read anything in here that offends, appears sacrilegious or degrading please take it with a grain of salt and know that I mean no harm. I have a very finely honed talent for saying the wrong thing at the precisely the worst possible time. I'm working on it. This is also probably going to be the cleanest post I will ever put up. If my mother ever read this she would not for a moment believe it was me for lack of f-bombs and other foul language. I will do my best to keep a lid on that. I manage to do it around my nieces, I think I can manage to do it here.

Thanks for reading this and maybe I'll see you back .