Soooo...where the hell have I been, huh? I will tell you, promise. I sat down too many times to count in the past year and a half to write a goodbye post. I had nothing to say and too much to say all at once and I couldn't decide wich way to go with any of it. I was quitting this thing, this place and no one was going to stop me. However, like a Marlboro Light, it kept nagging at me to just take a hit. I would read a bit, catch up on everyone and before I knew it I was thinking about starting up again. I have since completely quit that destructive habit (equal parts apology and fuck you to Phillip Morris) but haven't been able to kick this one so here I am.
It all started the morning of my seventh wedding anniversary. I woke up and got dressed as usual but also peed on a stick because I was a few days late. Just before leaving for work I remembered that I hadn't thrown the peestick away. Knowing The D would be grossed out by something soaked in pee sitting on the sink, I went back to the bathroom, not really caring that I never looked at it. I scooped it up while checking my messages and saw something I hadn't seen in years. A second line. I walked into the bedroom in a stupor and told The D to wake up because there were two lines. He never even opened his eyes. He asked "On what kind of test?" Meaning pregnancy or OPK. I said the blue one. And again, without even opening his eyes, he said "Take another one." That's how jaded we are. I pee on a stick and forget to even look at it and he truly believes it must be a dud test.
It was at this point I started to panic. Not becaue I had been drinking my way through the holidays. Not because I had been taking in enough caffiene to keep Rip Van Winkle on his feet (to combat the morning after effect of the booze). I panicked because I was I was out of pee. I had to be sure, but my bladder was as dry as the Serengeti in July. So, completely unconcerned with the fact that I was now late for work, I drank water and OJ and paced while The D slept. When I announced a second set of double lines The D apprehensively made his way out of bed. He hugged me and asked how soon the doctor could confirm this. Beacause, hey "you bought them at the same time, right?" so they could both be duds. I called the doctor's office, went in for a blood draw and went to work. 36.5 weeks, preeclampsia (with an additional postpartum eclampsia hospital stay three days after we were discharged), and plenty of bed rest later, we have a son.
I am not sure why I felt so apprehensive about sharing the pregnancy here. Time, of course, was a factor as I continued to work full time and was exhausted when I got home. I am sure a chunk of it had to do with fearing the worst. I was also feeling protective of myself and my potential child. Even when he was born I refused to let anyone announce his birth or post photos on Facebook or other social networking sites. Whatever the reason, I do feel guilty for not sharing good news here. In this space where you all have given support through the worst I should have let you in on the best.
As our chill little man, who shall henceforth be referred to as JD, grows stronger,I feel a nagging urge to write down all the things I remember from our pregnancy and birth. The good, the bad, the gross and the beautiful. I am not sure if this is the space for it. If I decide to continue here I will post it in the LFCA and I will do the same if I start a new space.
It all started the morning of my seventh wedding anniversary. I woke up and got dressed as usual but also peed on a stick because I was a few days late. Just before leaving for work I remembered that I hadn't thrown the peestick away. Knowing The D would be grossed out by something soaked in pee sitting on the sink, I went back to the bathroom, not really caring that I never looked at it. I scooped it up while checking my messages and saw something I hadn't seen in years. A second line. I walked into the bedroom in a stupor and told The D to wake up because there were two lines. He never even opened his eyes. He asked "On what kind of test?" Meaning pregnancy or OPK. I said the blue one. And again, without even opening his eyes, he said "Take another one." That's how jaded we are. I pee on a stick and forget to even look at it and he truly believes it must be a dud test.
It was at this point I started to panic. Not becaue I had been drinking my way through the holidays. Not because I had been taking in enough caffiene to keep Rip Van Winkle on his feet (to combat the morning after effect of the booze). I panicked because I was I was out of pee. I had to be sure, but my bladder was as dry as the Serengeti in July. So, completely unconcerned with the fact that I was now late for work, I drank water and OJ and paced while The D slept. When I announced a second set of double lines The D apprehensively made his way out of bed. He hugged me and asked how soon the doctor could confirm this. Beacause, hey "you bought them at the same time, right?" so they could both be duds. I called the doctor's office, went in for a blood draw and went to work. 36.5 weeks, preeclampsia (with an additional postpartum eclampsia hospital stay three days after we were discharged), and plenty of bed rest later, we have a son.
I am not sure why I felt so apprehensive about sharing the pregnancy here. Time, of course, was a factor as I continued to work full time and was exhausted when I got home. I am sure a chunk of it had to do with fearing the worst. I was also feeling protective of myself and my potential child. Even when he was born I refused to let anyone announce his birth or post photos on Facebook or other social networking sites. Whatever the reason, I do feel guilty for not sharing good news here. In this space where you all have given support through the worst I should have let you in on the best.
As our chill little man, who shall henceforth be referred to as JD, grows stronger,I feel a nagging urge to write down all the things I remember from our pregnancy and birth. The good, the bad, the gross and the beautiful. I am not sure if this is the space for it. If I decide to continue here I will post it in the LFCA and I will do the same if I start a new space.
I can't believe its been a year and a half since I posted. I am going to go now and catch up on all of you!
2 comments:
Congratulations on your little man. I like you haven't written in my blog for way to long, yet I have visited it several times to start up again. I hope to get motivated to start writing again :)
OMG - Thanksm I really needed a good cry!!!
Congratulations on you little man. I stopped blogging too, not sure why. Just can't share her. I updated a few times from a personal diary, but just dont have a pull to do it anymore.
Wishing you all the best!
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