As often as I am blown away by the insensitivity of others to our lack of children I am equally touched by the thoughtfulness of someone. Last week was filled with the flurry of solemn activity that death brings. A friend's mother lost a very long and bravely fought battle with cancer and then The D lost a great-aunt. The night before services for The D's great-aunt some close family members called and invited us over for dinner that evening. Very short notice yes, but hey, if it saves me a night of cooking and dishes you will get no complaint from me. These family members are also very good friends, are well aware of our TTC journey (and sometimes lack there of) and never shy away from days that may be of special meaning for us days when I am having a difficult time emotionally.
It is not unusual for one of us to call the other when we have made a big meal or to potluck our suppers together and hang out for the evening so I did not suspect anything out of the ordinary. When we got there the table was already set with one of my favorite's, pasta and red sauce. A few bites in they broke the news...yep pregnant. These two already have two children and were done building their family. They were actively using birth control. They were very worried that because we want a child and don't have one that we would be upset by the news that here they were with a family already and got one in spite of all their efforts to prevent it. They knew that his mother would definitely be telling relatives at the services (because, seriously, that woman can't keep a lid on a pot) and wanted to make sure I was told in a space where I was free to be emotional and had at least a day to process so when everyone was talking about it I would be a little ok. These people are every infertile's dream couple friends and I have nothing but big, puffy, pink hearts for them.
Surprisingly I was too shocked by the announcement to be upset. I felt for them. This was not in their life plan. Now that the shock of this unexpected pregnancy has worn off for them and as they begin to get excited, so do I find myself. I have not felt jealousy or hurt or injustice on the part of a higher power. Hell, I am even hosting, yes you read that right hosting, a baby shower for them. Did I mention that the two children she has are already halfway to eighteen and she had gotten rid of all her baby things and maternity clothes? So, yeah, I am hosting a shower.
How about the rest of you. We talk alot about the ways people are inconsiderate, but what about the people who are there for us. I would love to hear about what some one close to you did that made your infertility journey easier, even if only for a moment?
9 comments:
What a heart-warming story. It is amazing how some people just so GET it and know how best to handle situations.
I have made some wonderful friends on an infertility forum and their constant kindness and caring has seen me through some of the toughest days. On the bad days it really does help to focus on the positive, so thanks for this post.
That was really nice of them. They sound like wonderful people.
I once received an email from my SIL, apologizing for being less than sensitive about my TTC journey when she really hadn't done anything wrong. I was amazed at her thoughtfulness.
Thanks for sharing :)
ICLW
Since my m/c and the loss of my dog (all in one week) I have been so touched by the love I have received from friends. I've been sent cards and gifts and just thoughts of love and encouragement. It makes it all just a little easier to bear.
Two and a half years ago, I had my second missed miscarriage in the space of six months. Three days after I had the EPRC, six of my friends called over at different times in the day. They brought food, wine and shoulders to cry on and I really appreciated it. One of them had her young baby with her, one of them was pregnant and the others were all younger friends who are not at the TTC stage yet. But they all knew the right thing to say. I was so grateful for their friendship and support around that time.
Wow, you are truly a strong person. I do much better with pregnancy announcements if I'm told either over the phone or in an email.
As to your question, I've found support from certain friends whom I've least expected it from. Usually people who haven't dealt with infertility, but yet always think to send a quick email on Mother's Day to let me know they are thinking of me, or asking how a cycle is going. Another friend recently sent me an "IVF" care package of Kraft Mac & Cheese and chocolate chips, hard to find in Ireland.
Glad to have found your blog. Looking forward to following your journey :)
Hey! I just commented on "Ungaming and Comment Chaining Part 2" right after you, so I came over to check out your page! I would like to share one small example of the great friends that I have and how one of them made things a little easier for me one night.
Most of our friends know that we are TTC, however one night our group of friends was hanging out with a new couple. This new couple started talking about how they couldn't wait to have a baby, blah blah blah. Then she asked the rest of us "so when are you guys going to have a baby?"
One of my sweet friends ever so politely changed the subject immediately away from baby talk. I appreciated it so so much that she would know that conversation would make me uncomfortable and change it! I love my friends!
What a great, refreshing story! I can't tell you how many stories I've read during ICLW that are just the opposite. You know the ones: "Fertiles Annoy Me," etc. This is great! I'm so glad these friends had the presence of mind to take your feelings into consideration!
Unfortunately, I don't have a similar story to tell. lol But, like I said, I am SO glad you have this story to tell!
Happy ICLW!
That was so sweet of them to think of you. And so sweet of you to be genuinely happy for them.
So far no one close to me has gotten pregnant. I hope I can handle it as gracefully as you have.
What wonderful friends you have to consider your feelings when telling you their news.
I wish that I could say that people in real life have been supportive of what has happened in my life since my miscarriage seven months ago, but I can't. People try to be nice, but most of them don't understand. Unfortunately, there are even a few that have been mean.
Where I have really found my support is on these blogs. Reading through others' experiences has helped me tremendously. Also, just getting a comment on my blog lifts my spirits so much. To know that someone took the time to read my post and comment lets me know that someone out there cares.
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