One of my very best friends called me this morning to complain about the planning of her son's first birthday party. She wants to do it up big as she was never in the financial position to throw a big first birthday for her other two kids firsts and she wants the experience. Both sides of the family are complaining about the date and many are trying to talk her out of having the party at all, saying that he will never remember it anyway. Long story short, she says to me "You should thank God you don't have to deal with this bullshit" Now, she was not really talking about the problems of raising children so much as the problems of extended family but the two were linked here. And, she soon as she realized it came out of her mouth she apologized...and apologized...and apologized. Of course I forgave her immediately and I meant it.
Right now I am not so much feeling the urgency I did a year ago to have a baby. I am sure that it will return. It tends to be cyclical with me. Our first miscarriage was early and the pregnancy was unexpected. We tried...we got pregnant...it was ectopic...we waited the thee months...we tried for another year...we NEED this pseudo break. We are not actively trying but we are not preventing. I have moved on from my losses (I know "moved on" not quite the right words but what are?). I don't think about them everyday like I used to and very rarely do I show outward emotion when I do think about them. I can happily be around babies and children. Although the sight of a pregnant couple usually makes me twinge a little. Not a happy pregnant woman by herself. For some reason that doesn't bother me, but a happy pregnant couple gets me every time. It only last a few minutes, but its there. I don't understand it but oh well. Shit, I have seriously digressed.
The point of all that was that I am currently in as good a place as I can be for not yet having my own child. Or rather, I was. About one half hour after we had that conversation it sank in that I should be planning my own child's first birthday party this summer, somewhere around July 17, and I have been miserable since (granted, its only 10:00am). I even had to go in to the bathroom for a cry. What the hell? I am not generally a crier. In ten years that is only the second time I have cried in this building. The first one was when someone had died. It was a stupid comment, one she didn't mean and I didn't particularly care that she said at the time...so what the hell? I know its early on in this particular funk but its one of those that you can just feel is going to last for a bit. Mother.Fuck.
UPDATE: It is Monday. I wrote this post on Friday and didn't publish because I had a few more thoughts but I never got around to adding them. This weekend was too busy to sit down and write. Father's day was difficult. The funk was still hanging around. With my brother's recent move to a land far, far away my uncle felt the need to point out that my parents needed some replacement grandchildren and that the D and I should get on that asap. Now on a normal day I would have been quick with a humorous little comeback but not yesterday. It was a "we'll see" and another bathroom rendezvous with Mr. Kleenex.
Today I am feeling much better and almost back to normal. I really wish I could schedule these emotional hijackings. They would be so much easier to handle if I could just see them coming. I am having drinks with an awesome friend tonight and I know she will have me completely back to normal by the end of the night. She is good, good medicine. Here's to tomorrow.
5 comments:
Hugs as you deal with the emotional sandtrap of wanting what we don't have.
I'm glad that they pseudo-break has been helping with your sanity. It's helping mine as well, and I plan on doing it at least for 1 - 2 more cycles, going back to the docs in Sept if it doesn't happen on it's own in the meantime.
Wishing that you are soon able to celebrate a pregnancy of your own.
yucky, I remember those offhand comments, though not meant to harm, really do sting...for some reason, its those that got to me too.
Thanks for your comment, I like your blog layout too. I should have mentioned that before I hijacked it.
I hear you on the emotional b!$&h slaps. I started crying in my sleep yesterday about something that happened in a dream that reminded me of how far I am from having a baby of my own, despite being so damn far into this process. How can that happen? In my sleep! There's really no escape.
I HATE when people tell me how lucky I am not to have kids. Or when they hint at it. Especially when they know what I'm going through. When that happens, it's not just the comment itself, but the lack of sensitivity or consciensiousness of the 'friend.' And I know first hand, that when I complain about my DH, for example, when I tell a friend that men suck! and I'd be better off single, I don't really mean it. I feel blessed and lucky and loved and happy to have him even in the worst of times. So you know when someone says it about a kid, they are still snug in the understanding that they have something wonderful that they love and that makes them happy and the falseness of their complaints is offputting and condescending. And all too often it sounds like bragging or self-promoting (woe is me, I have so many blessings I don't know what to do with them all - look how fabulous I am that I can handle it, exasperating tho it may be). Who do they think they're kidding?
At least your friend apologized.
I admire you for moving through it all the way you have. I am still in a really fragile state. And I'm convinced right now that the only way to get over it is to have a baby. But maybe that's not the only way. Maybe time will heal. Maybe I'll let go of the urgency one day. I don't think I'll ever go back to the carfree life of my 26 yo self who wasn't even thinking about babies though. We are forever changed by this and have to do with it what we can.
I'm glad as well for your break... this is all so trying when we have to think so much about it.
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